Sexuality Survey Update – Intimacy Matters

Colin’s philosophy on Male Sexuality

For the past 10 years I have been working as a professional masseur and sex mentor and during that time I have given appointments to men of all ages, sexualities and cultural backgrounds for both sensual massage and sexual performance mentoring. As well as general sexual performance advice I have also given support to many men who are exploring their sexuality. I estimate of the 5000 male clients I have seen 65% are men who tell me that although they present themselves publicly as heterosexual they privately recognise they have a desire to experience sensual or sexual intimacy with another man. Many have come to appreciate even welcome their poly sexuality but for some it can prove a challenging time and i do my best to dissect and explain their feelings to them to hopefully lessen the fear and confusion they feel about themselves.

By talking with these men, many of them fathers, husbands, boyfriends and partners to females, and hearing their stories, feelings, fears, back stories and upbringing, I have now built up a much clearer understanding about male sexuality and what I believe influences men, who start out primarily heterosexual but find as they grow older develop a desire to experience intimate sensual or sexual contact with other men.

In brief I believe that the desire for a man to experience male to male sensual intimacy with another man is as much about a need to bond and emotionally connect with one another and not just for sexual exploration and pleasure. I have see patterns of behaviour and have heard many similar personal stories that indicate to me that there are five primary influences that go to make up an individual’s mans sexuality.

To substantiate my theory of these five influences, in November 2014 I began a sexuality survey on this web site. Targeting men only, the questions I have asked are designed to explore my theory of five influences. Below are some of the results followed by a brief explanation of each influence. So far almost 400 men have taken the survey but to get a firm understand I would like to take that number to 1,000. The survey is on going so if you have not taken it yet, you are welcome to do so. Click Here to take the survey

Survey Results

1. When asked to state their publicly presented sexuality (what they tell family & friends)

Total Surveyed 335

60% Straight – 204
35% Gay – 117
3% Bi Sexual – 11
1% Bi Curious – 3

2. When asked to state their privately acknowledged sexuality (what they actually feel about themselves)

Total surveyed 335

13% Straight – 44
49% Gay – 167
20% Bisexual – 68
16% Bi Curious – 56

3. Breakdown of change of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight compared to their actual privately acknowledged sexuality

Remained Straight – 40
Straight to Gay – 57
Straight to Bi Sexual – 67
Straight to Bi Curious – 56

4. Withholding true sexuality

This statistic shows that of 204 men surveyed who identify publicly as Straight 180 (88%) were witholding their true sexualaity.

5. Men in female relationships

Of 112 men who declared that they had been or currently were married or partnered or seeing women sexually as single men, 82 (73%) are withholding their true sexuality from their female partners.

6. Male to Male Sensual Touch

Of the 44 men who defined themselves as Straight both publicly and privately 26 say that they have received a sensual touch from another man at least once and have enjoyed it and would do it again.

(colin’s comment – this indicates that a man can regard himself as totally straight but still have an attraction to share intimate arousal with another man without it challenging his identity. If these men were added to the above statistics for Bi Curious ie taking the statistic from 56 to 80 and then reducing the Straight statistic by 24 to 16, the result shows that of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight only 7% are truly not interested in any sensual interaction with other men. Furthermore there are a further 6 men, who have declared their total straightness, who have indicated that although they have never experienced sensual touch with another man they are interested to try it sometimes in the future)

7. Of 335 men surveyed about their desires for sensual touch with another man

27% Enjoy it occasionally – 89
62% Enjoy it often -211
8% Want to try it – 26
3% Do not want to try it at all – 9

8. Aspects of male to male sexual behavior

The survey also asked questions about what the men felt was important to them when having a sensual or sexual interaction with another man.

63% Very Important – 214
23% Important – 79
6 % Moderately Important – 20
1% Little Importance – 5
6% Unimportant – 17

Interestingly of the 22 who answered Unimportant or Little Importance 15 were the men who defined as Straight both publicly and privately.

9. Importance of Anal Sex

The Five Influences

Influence 1- Pre Birth

Foetal brain development during pregnancy and the effect of a stressed/non stressed pregnancy on the long term characteristics of the male.

This aspect is less about sexual attraction but more about character attributes influenced by being born from a stressed or unstressed pregnancy and how those men born from unstressed pregnancy tend to be men who develop either bisexual or homosexual attractions later in life.

Men from stressed pregnancies

A recent study at Imperial College London shows that stress experienced by a woman during pregnancy may affect her unborn baby as early as 17 weeks after conception, with potentially permanent effects on brain and development. My belief is that the more stressed the pregnancy the more likely the child will be born with natural self survival instincts. Competitive, self centered, a lack of empathy with others, a tendency to be aggressive/defensive, non intime, controlling personality, strongly heterosexual. These are all attributes that would be very beneficial in the survival of early humans particularly in life threatening times. If food was scarce and the pregnant mother was living in a dangerous environment in makes complete sense that the baby she is carrying should be programmed prior to birth with tendency towards having these innate survival characteristics. I call call them the Self Interested Male (SIM)

The inseminator Male will be competitive; to fight for its own survival and food. Self Centered/introvert; to be primarily focussed on its own needs. Have a cack of empathy to others; to not be reliant on others to support it. Tendency towards aggressive or defensive behavior; to be hyper aware and vigilant against threats and able to respond quickly and confidently. Non intimate; not interested in developing close relationships as continually seeking new sexual partners to ensure genetic line/species is maintained. More than likely have a controlling personality; by controlling its environment he maintains his own security and safety. Predominantly heterosexual; mostly focussed wanting lots of sex with female partners to procreate and secure his genetic line and to ensure the survival of a possibly threatened species.

Clearly the more stressed the pregnancy the stronger these characteristics appear to be and it seems that in modern times these types of men will have tendency to follow specific careers as Barristers, Salespeople, Competitive Sportsmen, Politicians, the Military, Surgeons, Bankers, Entrepreneurs, Celebrity types. Not coincidently these are generally the types of men that we hear use sex workers for non intimate encounters and wives who complain that their husbands are egotistical, unfaithful and when it come to sexual performance, assertive but generally non intimate.

Men from less stressed pregnancy

A child born from a pregnancy that is less stressed appears to develop characteristics of a completely different nature. These characteristics seem designed to be inclusive of others rather than exclusive. Empathetic, creative, other people focussed/extrovert, polysocial, need of physical intimacy, bisexual /polysexual. Attributes that are clearly designed to bond with others and help build relationships. I call call these types Social Open Male (SOM)

In early man when food was plenty and life was secure then that was the time for building and expanding the community so less focus on the species survival but more on species growth. This meant the males needed to be creative with food collection, supportive of the group they belonged to, team work with other males to support the group, good organisers, a caring nature.

Careers these types of men tend to follow today are as Accountants, Solicitors, Small Business Owners, Hospitality, Therapists, Teachers, Nurses, Theatre Actors, Academics, Consultants, IT Developers, Designers, personality types that have skills that are about developing and supporting the broader community The Social Males primary role in pre historic times would have been to develop the community by being creative and relationship building with both females and other males and in times before humans had speech much of the relationship building would have been through touch and to build a close trusting relationship with another male in order to hunt or create together, the males would have a predisposition to show physical intimacy to one another and the more intimate the touch, the more vulnerable the place touched the more trusting the relationship would be.

Of course male biology is not polarized and all males will have their own unique biology at birth, according to the foetal development in relations to the mother’s disposition and biological chemistry during pregnancy, meaning that these innate characteristics should be seen as being on a spectrum placing every male anywhere from being a total SIM to a SOM or somewhere in between as most of us are.

Of the 380 men surveyed and asked about the state of their mothers well being during her pregnancy with them 57% said that they were either quite or very calm.

72 – A little stressed (19%)
28 – don’t know( 7.5%)
113 – quite calm (30.5%)
50 – somewhat stressed (13.5%)
13 – very stressed (3.5%)
101 – very calm (27%)

Of those 216 that said quite or very calm 179 ( 82%) were men who later in life defined themselves privately as gay, bi sexual or bicurious supporting the fact that a calm pregnancy may psychological program the child to have more empathetic , creative and community focussed characteristics.

Influence 2 – Circumstances of Birth 0-10 yrs

We don’t get a choice about where on the planet we are born, who are biological parents are what culture and environment we start our life in or belief system we are educated by. From the moment we are born, maybe even before, we are bombarded by messages that inform us how we should behave and interact so that we are accepted by the community we are born into and that for the first 10 years at least we depend upon to survive.

No matter if a male child is born with strong characteristics of the SIM OR SOM the moment the child is born his senses will go into overdrive to work out how best to behave in order to maintain the two most vital ingredients to survive, security and food. If the child is born more a SOM but grows up in a ultra conservative closed minded society of strict morality around sex and has clearly defined gender type roles of how a male should behave then his SOM characteristics will become suppressed. For example a male child who by the age of 6 is showing a natural talent for dance, theatre or art may be forced to deny theses talents because the culture he is born into dictates that he should play football, climb trees, learn to fight. Equally a SIM might be born into a very liberal society and find that his flamboyant artistic hippy parents live by a code that does not fit with his competitive less empathetic character.

Think of the fictional characters of Batman and Robin. Batman or Bruce Wayne was born an only child in a crime ridden city of Gotham (probably stressed pregnancy) to Philanthropist parents Dr Thomas and Martha Wayne, who when he was 8 years old were murdered in the back streets og Gotham City to make young Bruce an orphan and the ultimate SIM (think image, attitude, ego etc) where as Robin is more than likely a strong SOM (colorful, eager to please, sensitive, and always in the supporting role) Maybe if the story was different Brue may have become a city tycoon and Robin a fashion designer!

Where this effects sexuality is that by adolescence when he is become aware of his sexuality if he is feeling any draw to same sex intimacy or exploration this will be firmly suppressed so that he does not risk being rejected by his family and community. Hence in the survey we see many men who have lived a heretosexual live for many years but who say that attraction to other males started before the age of 18. 67% of men surveyed (225/335) said that their attraction to other men started before the age of 18. Of that 82% (185/225) are men who at the time of the survey were still publicly defining themselves as straight.

Age when they became first aware of same sex attraction

Influence 3 – Paternal Relationship 0 -16 yrs

In parallel and quite often in conflict the with the second influence the third influence is to do with our relationships with our mothers and fathers or primary carers when we are young. I have noticed that most men who seek same sex sensual intimacy later in life have experienced similar relationship dynamics with fathers or a primary male carer who were responsible for their welfare and security in childhood.

It appears that if the relationship between the primary male figure in the child’s early life is in some way emotionally fractured or absent then there is a far greater tendency to seek masculine connection and approval from other men later in life. It could be that the father is often absent due to work or maybe has divorce and consequently has little contact. Aggression from father to son, high expectation and pressure to perform, death, lack of interest, addiction are all possible reasons why the relationship between the son and father can become emotionally broken.

Why should this then manifest in an interest in other men later on in life? A smooth developmental journey of a child is extremely important if that child is going to grow into a self confident grounded adult. From birth to 2yrs we learn trust vs. mistrust, from 2 to 3 years, autonomy vs. shame and doubt. 3 to 5 years initiative vs. guilt, 6 to 11 years industry vs. inferiority and then in our teens identity vs inferiority and it is mostly from our parents that we learn the difference or become one or other. It follows that if during the period between birth and 14 one of the main influencers on the child’s development, the father, is negative or absent and not replaced, then there will be a strong tendency for that child to feel the negative aspects about themselves. To mitigate this, as they get older, this undeveloped self will seek out from other male figures the approval it missed and still yearns. This need or attraction is emotional rather than sexual but often it will manifest in physical contact with other males. Hugging, holding, stroking are all basic methods with which early humans developed trusting relationship with one another and the more intimate and sensitive area of the body touched the more trusting the relations will be.

To check this 3rd influence I asked men to select the most accurate description of the relationship between themselves and their fathers or primary male carers before the age of 12. Out of 366 answers 253 (69%) report that they had a relationship with their fathers that they felt some level of emotional distance, absence or aggression. Only 96 (26%) said they had a close supportive relationship and 17 (4%) said he was OK.

Influence 4 – Maternal Relationship 0-16 yrs

The fourth influence that seems to have an effect on male sexuality is the state of the relationship between the male child and his mother or primary female careers from birth to about 16 years of age. It appears not surprisingly, that if the relationship with the father or primary male career has been fractured then often the relationship with the mother will have become even closer. A child needs an environment of sustenance and safety in which to grow and without a positive relationship with a male figure he will often have to rely totally on the female carer for his security. More than likely this will be the mother but can also be relationships with grandmothers or even female siblings. It also often follows that if the father is absent or aggressive then the mother or female carers maybe sole providores and thus have an even tougher job to maintain the welfare of the family. The consequence of this extra demand on their management of the family will usually result in her feeling extra stress and a tendency to be anxious. It may be that she has to work long hours or be absent for periods of time causing the male child to be very aware of the need to behave in a manner that does not increase the mother’s stress. The male child will learn very quickly to monitor the female carers moods and then adjust its own behavior accordingly. Helping around the home, being a good boy, avoiding the mother so as not to get in the way are all familiar behaviour adaptations of a male children who is brought up in these circumstances.

The pattern then follows that in later life when the male child grows up and attempts to have emotional and sexual relationships with females he will unconsciously continue to monitor his female partner’s moods because he is now programmed to keep females happy and if they are happy he remains safe. During adolescence and into his 20’s a man who enjoys sexual relationship with women will initially not experience and detrimental effects even though he will seed it as his task to give his female partner sexual fulfillment in priority to his own. However as he gets older and his health and stamina wanes the need to keep his female partner happy may begin to negatively effect his sexual performance. Loss of erection, inability to orgasm or spontaneous ejaculation are all classic issues for men who feel anxiety during sex. If this anxiety become regular and occurs frequently when he is with a female then he can begin to wonder about his sexuality.

To compound this feeling of ambiguity, if he is also becoming aware of his need to bond physically with an other male this can cause him to question his true sexuality. I have often been told by male clients who are in heterosexual relationships but have come to me for sensual massage, that although they seek sex with women they experience issues with sexual performance with them but when they have explored male to male sexual intimacy they have not. In fact these men often say that when with another man they have felt relaxed and at ease and thus turned on, with erections being maintained and a deeper sense of pleasure being experienced, thus re affirming to them their belief that they must really be gay when it is simply that the anxiety felt with females is absent but because of the desire to feel approval from other males (absent paternal relationship) and the lack of the unconscious need to satisfy the man (no father figure = no unconscious feelings to maintain security with the male) that male to male intimacy feel more normal.

The survey asked the question; select the most accurate description of your relationship with your mother or primary female carer before the age of 12. Of 372 answers 257 ( 69%) said it was close caring and supportive.

Of the 257 men who stated that their relationship with their mother was close, caring and supportive 221 (86 %) privately define themselves as either gay (124) bi sexual (46) or bi curious (51) leaving only 14% (35) defining as straight.

Influence 5 – Evolutionary Bonding Process

Competitive Procreators to Co Operative Provider

The time frame for the evolution of the genus Homo out of the chimpanzee–human last common ancestor is roughly 10 to 2 million years ago. Our species of Homo Sapien has been in existence for about 1.8 million years. It is estimated that we have been communicating with a verbal language for about 200,000 years so it is not unreasonable to assume that prior to a verbal language being our primary form of communication that that a visual and physical language must have been in use for at least couple of million years before. We only have to watch our domestic pets or the farm animals to witness how non verbal languages work. Two dogs meet and tails wag and bottoms get sniffed, two horses meet and they snuffle ones another’s necks, a small dog meets a large dog and the former rolls over exposing its stomach and genitals. So as animals communicate visually and physically so do we humans and now human body language theory is a widely accepted fact.

Although the survey shows that most of the men asked the question when did they first became aware of their attraction to the same sex of the 383 asked 67% said they first became aware of an attraction before the age of 18 years. However of the 383 who gave their age at the time they are now 297 out of 383, 76% are above age of 41. It can be argued that this will be dependent on the age selection of the survey takes but since many of those taking the survey have come to it by search engine or via male to male sensual massage web sites it can be argued that their is tendency for older men to seek male to male physical intimacy.

From an evolutionary perspective why could this be so? Clearly the primary sexual role of all males is to procreate and secure their genetic lineage. To do this they need to have intercourse with females. The female sexual strategy is to seek quality males and quality sperm, so a bit like a women looking for a new dress she won’t just go into one store but will check out many and maybe even buy more than she needs so that she end up with the best option so that she can look attractive and draw attention to herself. Sexually she does the same, seeking out as many young healthy male partners as she can, have sex with them to get a selection of optimum sperm that her biology will evaluate for quality to ensure fit offspring and the best chance of protection and survival during pregnancy and through vulnerable days of infant child rearing. On the other hand the young male simply seeks approval. If approved of by the female he gets a chance to have sex and secure his genetic lineage but he will be in permanent competition with the other males thus the relationship between young males will be mostly about competitive procreation. For the female this motivation continues until menopause so she can be sexually active for anything up 35 years. On the other hand men know but are reluctant to admit that once they pass 21 year old most experience a gradual decline in virility. Hardly noticeable at first but most men by the age of 30 will be aware that sponateous erections expereinced when ateenager no longer happen and then by the age of 40 even getting and maintaining an erection can be unpredictable. So if older men are no longer needed as competitive procreators and by default having to leave this role to the younger males, why like are they not dispensed with as is the case of the black widow spider or praying mantis who after copulation the female kills the father and often benefits from the nutrients gained when consuming him.

No keeping us older men alive has another benefit. Human child rearing is not particularly efficient when it come to securing genetic lineage. Most human females only have one child at a time. Pregnancy is 9 months, during which time the mother is increasingly vulnerable so she needs support and security to ensure a safe birth and to maintain this until the infant is able to look after itself which is at least another 4 years in which time she may have had two more offspring. So who does this role fall to, probably not other mothers as they will be to busy looking after their own, definitely not young males as they are to pre occupied competeiung for sexuial mates with other young males, maybe older females who have passed menopause and remain alive ( though now a drain on the community re scouce) so it has to be up to the older males to take on this responsibility of welfare and security of the group and to do this they will need the assistance of other older males. But the question to be asked is how do males who were once competitive procreators now become co operative providers?

Communication! Today men build relationships by talking, meeting in the pub, sharing stories about exploits or sports teams but before communication was verbal it was physical communication that transformed these relationships. No different than the bonobo monkey (our nearest primate ancestor) who use very intimate touch and arousal to establish bonding relationships, so did primal older man.

Once past the age of 30 years he is no longer required to make babies (although if the younger males were killed off he still can) his role now is to work with the other older males to hunt and protect, to plan and manage the group and to do this successfully he has to build a trusting relationship and what better way to establish trust with another male that to literally roll over and let him play with his most vulnerable asset his testicles and penis and for it to be reciprocated.

So gentlemen of latter years if you find yourselves seeking male to male intimacy and it does not seem to makes sense or if its only recently become apparent then I don’t believe you should be beating your selves up, feeling guilty, confused even shameful because its what nature intended for the survival of the species. Older males seek sensual intimacy, in the hot climes of primal africa of 1 million years ago the mutual ball shake is how they established this and today, since it’s to cold to drop our trousers, we call it the handshake!

The word Testify comes from the Latin word for Testicle – Read More

From Colin

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Send me your personal story then email colin at – colin@intimacymatters.co.uk