The Modern Version of Cuckolding
Humiliation, adventure, shared experince or the ultimate proof of love and trust?
Increasingly I have been receiving enquiries from couples wanting to explore ways to expand their sexual relationship. These can be couples who have been together for twenty years or more and want to re energise the sexual dynamic or new coupes who are looking to set a more open agenda for their sex life together. Is this increase in interest enhanced sexuality because of a knock on effect of lockdown during Covid that has generated conversations or simply that the fear and guilt around exploring sexuality has become less prevalent. Once a call comes in and after the initial opening chat the caller ( mostly the male partner ) often asks if it is possible for their female partner to receive a sensual massage while they watch. This is becoming so popular that not a week goes by where I don’t receive at least six phone calls from couples looking to explore this new safe and discreet form of Cuckolding.
The current conventional description of cuckolding is a man who gets turned on by watching his wife have sex with another man without taking part himself. For example, cuckolding occurs when a married woman has a sexual encounter with another man with her husbands full knowledge and consent and often is present when it occurs. She does it because it makes him aroused and reputedly because he is inadequate in bed himself.
As a Sex Relationship Engineer at my practice Intimacy Matters I have been working with couples and the phenomena of cuckolding for eight years. Although I agree somewhat with the philosophy of humiliation by example, I also believe that there are other motivations as many men enjoy the fantasy of both imagining their female partners receive erotic arousal with another man or actually want to watch them have this experience.
The traditional meaning of cuckold.
Cuckold originally meant being the wronged husband of an adulterous wife. The first recorded use, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, was in a satirical poem called “The Owl and The Nightingale.”
Like most people, I just had this vague idea that a cuckold was a man worthy of mockery. After working with many couples who explore this, I see that being cuckold today is something very different from what it did when the word was first coined hundreds of years ago.
Why the word cuckold?
The word is derived from the cuckoo bird known for laying its eggs in the nests of other birds. Only in this case, instead of eggs, it’s a wife laying with a man who is not her husband. An essential part of this definition is the notion that the husband has no idea that his wife is pulling one over on him. Calling a man a cuckold is to mock him, according to this definition. Not only is he not “man enough” to keep his woman from straying, he’s also a fool who doesn’t even realize that his wife is cheating on him. Another phrase you’ll often hear bandied about with “cuckold” in the ancient definition of the word is “wearing the horns” or “he’s wearing the horns of a cuckold.” When someone mentions horns this way, they are referring to the mating rituals of stags.
Cuckolding and Hot Wifing is a sexual fetish that many couples are curious to explore
“Cuckolding” or “cucking” is when a man and his partner derive sexual pleasure from the woman having sex with men who are not her partner. Very often, her partner is “forced” to watch his wife or partner being unfaithful. It’s a fetish that, like many others, is formed in a masochistic love being humiliated. In that way, cuckolding is a subset of the BDSM kink world. Like with many other kinks, what’s appealing to men who are self-proclaimed cucks is the element of escapism, taking a break from the restrictions of their daily lives.
Hot Wifing is a more share experience where one partner, usually the female received the sexual attention and is watched by the other partner but is there to enjoy the spectacle rather than be humiliated. Often this can develop into a three person encounter where the second partner joins in.
Comments such as:-
“It’s a stress reliever,” “I know my wife loves me, I know she’s not going anywhere, but the idea that I’m not man enough for her or that she has needs I can’t meet, gets me going,” is often cited as the hook.
“It’s atavistic, like, my role as her husband is to give her kids and keep her satisfied, right? But when I’m cucking, it’s taking those expectations and ripping them away. It’s a high like nothing else.’
“I get so turned on watching my partner enjoy the attention. I like to watch their body respond, something that is more difficult when one is actually taking part”
In the past few years and particularly during the Covid pandemic forced many to look more closely at there sexual relationships. Exploring together more sex on line with porn or on line adult gatherings or watching web cam performances has enabled couples to explore a shared sexual experience with others very safely from the comfort of their pwn bedroom. But now restrictions are living many couple are looking to make this a more physical experience. As BDSM was once an underground environment that became mainstream so now is the cuckold or Hot Wife ( partner ) experience become more widely accepted.
Other motivations of the cuckold.
In the fives years that I have been specifically working with couples who want to explore sensual massage and within it the opportunity of the female partner receive the massage while the male partner watches or even takes part, I have witnessed a selection of morticians for this to take place. Although the desire can be strong and maybe even discussed by the couple, they may not have looked deeper as to the deeper motivation for both of them to experience this. Below is a selection of explanations that couples have expressed both from the male and female perspective. Whatever the motivation it is important that both parties are in agreement since if either feels under pressure to be the cuckold or the recipient of the experience, this can create instability in the relationship that may be difficult to repair.
1. I want approval from another man by sharing my partner with him.
When giving a sensual massage to a wife or girlfriend, I often have the male partner ask me if I am enjoying giving her the massage. This seems reminiscent of when the child shared his toys with the other boys to belong to the gang.
2. Peer approval
Cuckolding appears more popular with couples from cultures and ethnicities that were once under authoritarian rule. There may be an unconscious belief that men from so-called superior cultures can pleasure a female partner better than a male from supposed lesser culture. Pleasing the boss as it were, the cuckold receives approval from the superior male.
3. Orgasm by proxy,
I sometimes have male partners admit they are not able to satisfy female partners sexually. If a female partner is unable to orgasm during sex with their regular male partner then by enabling her to achieve this with another man, the regular male partner can receive approval by proxy.
4. Lessons from an expert
Watching porn can often be the main way in which men learn how to stimulate their female partners. But for many men, this can be a double-edged sword. Some porn can be informative, but also it can be intimidating because of the stereotypical ‘stud’ image of the male actors involved. However, watching another man at low quarters can be like having his private porn show but with the benefit of selecting a less intimidating the male and learning how to be a better lover.
Often when giving the massage, I can demonstrate techniques on how to create a new and exciting experience for the female partner. Sometimes just one session can make a dramatic difference to a sexual relationship. If sexual arousal has always been of one style, then the female often does not know what she likes or is cable of experiencing. Consequently, she is unable to say to guide her male partner in what to do. By taking an erotic massage in front of her partner, she can have these new experiences in a safe and supportive environment, and at the same time, her male partner can watch and learn what his female partner enjoys. Female partners often say to me after treatment how they experienced arousal and orgasm in ways never before. additionally, male partners express tier surprise at what their female partner has just been able to achieve and enjoy
5. The feeling of pleasure at being rejected
Feeling pleasure at being rejected or left out may appear to be a paradoxical emotion. If a partner has experienced either psychological or physiological deprivation (often in childhood), this creates a childhood experience that they become used to and survives. This can result later in life, an unconscious need to seek out and recreate that emotion. This behaviour is a convoluted process for the husband or boyfriend to feel wanted, needed and loved. For her to have a sexual experience with another man but always return can be linked to the child whose parent criticised or rarely praised and only occasionally gave love. Watching a partner enjoy sex with another person recreates the feelings of rejection. The partner returning after the sex provides relief and acceptance that the child experienced when the parent noticed them.
6. I do it to maintain security.
It may be the male partner is the primary earner in the relationship and so holds the purse strings. Thus the security of the relationship, for her and any children relies totally on the male partner’s terms. By refusing to indulge him in his cuckold fantasy, it may threaten this security so reluctantly she goes along with the request.
7. Always an emotional benefit
There is a masochistic element to most cuckold behaviours though no matter what the negative experience there is always a benefit somewhere. Getting pleasure from feeling jealous may appear odd but if the child lacked joy when young but saw other children receive satisfaction ( toys, gifts, fun times,) this will often create psychology where the anticipation of receiving pleasure becomes pleasurable itself.
8. Follow my leader
Nature never creates systems or practices that don’t work to its reproductive advantage, and maybe even cuckolding has its roots deep in the primal, reproductive urges of the male. Taking the premise that females are meant to have penetrative sex with multiple males (one after the other) to maximise sperm selection and create multiple pseudo paternity (by tricking males into thinking they are the biological fathers) may explain why males like to watch other males have sex. Even the most confirmed heterosexual male will admit to preferring to watch porn that contains a male and female rather than two females. Simply watching an aroused male have sex implies that your turn could be next. Females having sex with multiple males will be sexually active for maybe an hour or even two hours. The male sexual response cycle is about 15 minutes from initial arousal to ejaculation. Therefore watching a male get aroused, penetrate and ejaculate within fifteen minutes means the next waiting male can immediately follow to take his turn to attempt successful reproduction. In short, men are curious or even get aroused by seeing another mans erect cock! This also may explain the phenomenon of the ‘dick pic’ that most men send, but most women can’t understand why!
Case Study – I love watching my wife with many men
Alister was a child grew up in an extreme religious sect where all 20th-century technology, gifts, birthdays etc. were banned. Even having friends to stay was not permitted. He went to a regular school and was surrounded by children who received all these things. As an adult, he was made to have an arranged marriage and then who after catching his wife having sex with the babysitter found that the fact he was not good enough in bed and then watching another satisfy was very arousing. This developed into a necessary part of his sex life when after watching her have sex with other men even in a ‘gang bang’ scenario she would always come back to him after and prove to top him that no matter how many others she was with hw was the most wanted. Needless to say, when the wife started to refuse to have sex with others, their relationship broke down. All she wanted was for her husband to love her and want her exclusively.
As with any fetish or kink, there is always a psychological or basis to the need. If with a partner who wants to experience a particular fetish or kink that does not rock your own boat, then you have a choice. You either reject it and run the risk of forcing your partner to go elsewhere or you take time to understand and explore where these feelings originate from, and then the both of you try to accommodate them within the relationship. Exploring cuckooed with a professional allows this to happen in a safe and supportive environment where there is no risk of the third party becoming emotionally entangled or comparative to the relationship.
The Females Perspective
Often men believe that a female partner would be pleased to be encouraged to have sex with other men. This is not always the case and male partners need to be very clear about their motivation and learn how it might make their partner feel. Women often say they feel unexpected, conflicting emotions when considering a cuckold scenario. Excitement and anticipation mixed with the feeling of rejection a not being good enough can be confusing.
“ I do it for him because I love him and it makes him happy, but all I really want is for him to want me”
“ Is this his way of telling me he is attracted to men”
“ It makes me feel inadequate because when we ae on our own he can’t get aroused, but when i am with another person he does, so am I not good enough.’
1. Boot on other foot
For a man to understand this from the female perspective can be challenging since in reverse, many men would be ecstatic to be permitted to have sex with another woman with or without their partner watching. But this is very rare. Rarely does female partner enjoy watching her man have sex with another woman unless of course she is bisexual and can be involved herself!
I find what is more common is female partners enjoying watching their male partners explore erotic arousal with other men, particularly in a three some scenario where both men are bisexual; then she can be involved as well.
2. Time on my own
Women fantasise about having sex with other men, and quite a few follow through these fantasies but generally prefer this without their partner being present. Having his watchful eye over the proceedings can be intimidating and distracting.
If the male partner can no longer get an erection when having sex or medical problems, then sex with other men while he is present can be a practical solution and one that still has the male partner feeling involved.
3. Talk it Through
So before a couple embarks on a cuckolding experience, it is wise to talk through and understand the motivations of the cuckold and the effect the cuckolding may have on his female partner. Seeking out a professional for the first cuckolding occasion can enable the couple to explore but with less risk to their relationship.
Explore safely within sensual massage with a professional
By exploring ‘Cuckolding’ with a professional, it ensures that the adventure is contained within both sexual and emotional boundaries. There is no chance that the female would become emotionally involved with the provider. It also allows the couple to create the experience they want. If the occasion follows the non-professional third parties
agenda, which if mishandled, it can feel out of control and threaten the relationships stability.
Possible scenarios to try are:-
Watch & Enjoy’ Couples Cuckold Massage
The “Watch & Enjoy” cuckold massage is perfect the couple where one partner wants to watch the other partner receive the sensual massage. As well as enjoying seeing their partner experience the pleasures of this massage it also provides a perfect opportunity to learn a few techniques in erotic arousal.
This is good for:
- The female to experience a different touch and sensual dynamic from a man than the one she regularly experiences.
- Women who want to enjoy sensations that they may not have felt before and
- For women who experience difficulty reaching orgasm as a result of the male partner’s lack of skill or patience in giving foreplay. By default, the watching male partner gets to see what can be achieved.
Watch & Touch’ Couples Massage
A”Watch & Touch” massage is probably the most popular style of couples cuckold experience because it enables the female partner to enjoy the therapeutic element of the massage and explore the gradual arousal that it encourages whilst the male partner watches. The watching male partner can then join in and thus maintains the connection between the couple but also becomes an experience with all the excitement and exploration that having two men focussing on one female creates.
This is good for:-
- The woman who has wondered what it would be like to be desired and pampered by two men at the same time.
- The straight or bisexual man who wants to explore his sexuality with his female partner watching and then taking part.
- The gay man who wants to watch his partner enjoy the experience and then join in towards the end.
- Female receiver wants to watch her male partner explore same-sex intimacy
- Male partner wants to perform for his female partner
- Female partner is aware that male partner is bisexual and wants to enable the opportunity safely and without deception.
‘Give Together ‘ Couples Massage
A ‘Give Together ‘ massage is where one partner wants to help give the whole massage to the other partner as 4 hands.
This is good for:-
- My female partner wants to experience 4 hands massage but wants me to be one of the masseurs
- My male partner wants to experience 4 hands but wants me to be one of the masseurs
- We are beginning to explore wider sexual horizons and this seems a great place to start
- I want to learn how to arouse my partner better
- I want to improve my confidence in giving foreplay
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