Chris is 25 years old and this is his story and experience of sexual wellness treatment
So I first came across Colin’s s work via another individual working within the sexology world, and also London based.
In attempting to find ways and methods to remedy my sexual issues of dysfunction and lack of pleasure, I began researching what exists in the sexological world and what could be available to me. So I came across a tantric massage practitioner and masturbation coach, London-based, relatively local to me. I had an initial Zoom call with her quite some time before eventually contacting Colin, and I had some discussion with her following the original introduction that led to her recommending putting me in the way of Colin.
My description of my issues and the desperate emotional distress I was in for various reasons led her to recommend I see Colin Richards at Intimacy Matters.
- a chronic pain disorder
- drug dependency
- daily panic attacks
- major unresolved trauma,
- my loneliness
- lack of intimacy;
- lifelong lack of partnership;
- early sexual abuse;
- almost total lack of sexual experience bar a few encounters to differing degrees of success,
- my altogether despairing and blocking issues of erectile dysfunction and inability to reach orgasm with a partner
Additionally, I currently work part-time, and live on a bank balance of £0 half the time and ponder within my overdraft the other 50%. When looking into a world in which to find adequate help with the issues I HAVE to have solved, this genuine financial limitation makes it quite stressful to try to commit the money I can accrue towards reaching the best-achieving outcome. Sexological work and therapy are expensive in this very personal domain.
I asked the tantric bodyworker for any recommendations she had for me, and Colin was where she pointed her finger. On Thursday, 26th January 2023, I spoke with Colin and explained my situation and needs.
Colin listened. Understanding that his terms of business were more than I could afford but also feeling he wanted to help me, he offered a barter arrangement. He would give me four appointments for free in exchange for me to diarise the experience since he felt that if he could help me in my extreme situation, then others in difficulty could seek help from him or other specialist practitioners in his field.
Wednesday 1st February:
Things talked about in my first in-person session upon meeting Colin face to face:
Colin discussed with me the categories and differences in males of the more typically ‘alpha’ dominator sort, which are easy to spot; then more sensitive males, that would be the category I likely best fit into; and the type of male who is typically teacher or task-oriented, their focuses being more primarily on meeting the needs of a given problem-solving equation rather than taking a less linear approach down life’s winding path.
Often, and under evolution, the firstborn males in a family are the ones who come out ‘fighting and fucking’ as it was put. Probably more actionable and less intimate. Procreation is the priority of all species; in that way, the firstborn male child of a household is often the one of a more dominant nature, for perhaps lack of a better word, but maybe without quite the emotional awareness and attunement of latter-born children. I am a second-born child.
We discussed issues often not presented to us in our Western society and culture of sexual problems that women of other countries and nationalities are unfortunately put through, so is not so much awareness of someone like me, being born and living here in England, for example, but that certainly exists elsewhere and in other types of culture and so there are sexual issues carried by women that are then very detrimental to their lives, so the high proportion of women who go through genital mutilation.
One thing communicated to me, and we also talked about, is how women are more sexually spirited and dynamic than is generally considered in modern society, typically the viewpoint being that it’s the man who’s interested in sex and the woman isn’t so invested and needed there.
One element conversed was that a lot of the purpose of sex for men is to please the woman.
Colin described to me sexuality in a more evolutionary sense and some of the psychology that goes along with that; so, for example, one thing that stuck out to me was that back in ‘caveman’ times, a woman would have had sex with multiple partners to gain the most robust genes and would have then been protected and looked after by a whole community of males, only one of which would have been the biological father but who which would have been unknown to them.
In our talks about the differing types of males, we discussed how the sorts of people who go to sex parties are more the ‘alpha’, dominant, show-off type men that can take gratification there and in the outward and displaying type of behaviour. Still, although the confidence and masculinity associated with that are attractive to women, men of that disposition are also often not the more intimate, caring, sensitive and sensual providers of connection.
And another point I found interesting was that a lot of the men who go into learning things like tantra and BDSM are the more technically orientated, task-obsessed males, where there is a specific skill set to learn or methodology to follow: routine and result.
Takeaway of the session for me:
My thing to think about and work on is imbibing more of my assertive, dominant male characteristic type. I’m naturally more of a sensitive male, and I’m very well-attuned to people’s feelings and I’m someone who deeply feels and cares for things. So using and balancing that out with a more alpha-assertive characteristic in myself will help in having the masculine confidence and forward-actioning and non-over-self-criticising nature that I do suffer from, that being a naturally sensitive and self judgemental person can unfortunately bring. And that self-critique and internal judgement I carry is not my aid in my quest for sexual liberation and outward female physical, pleasure primed and intimate success.
Thursday 2nd March:
Observing a sensual massage given to a woman and exploring giving intimate touch for the first time
So I met Cxx Cxx today. I appreciated her time and inclusion in the process, which was essentially given towards my benefit (apart from a bit of pleasure on her part, it might be fair to say :). Of course, I had no idea what to expect when I first met her. But she was easy-going compared to the description of her given by both her and Colin of her previous state from the prior few years ago when she first met Colin, having mustered the courage to seek help as she needed in the first place. For me now being currently 25, and her insight given into her relational history of not having had her first proper partner until the same age as I am now is a helpful similarity to draw, as my levels of loneliness and relational absence and isolation from the world of intimacy are of course a predominant struggle that weighs on me hugely on a consistent daily basis. So being able to relate or draw helpful comparisons is a comfort to me. As well as often being very hard to be able to be at all open and honest about in a general fashion. Issues of intimacy, sexuality, and lack of life experience, as referenced above, for me at least, are a point of great shame and embarrassment and hard to share with even those closest to me, whether friends or family, which provides an example of just how in-a-way taboo and frowns upon the shear but very real nature of the sexual issue, absence and lack of healthy and necessary intimate connection can be and is for a proportion of us persons in modern society.
To see another person’s positive progression from a previous point of apparent mass anxiety and could be fair to say avoidance of all things sexual or intimate for a prolonged period to the point where she can now come to meet me, a stranger and sit down to discuss issues of real emotional difficulty and actual vulnerabilities are helpful for me to relate to and give me hope.
Connecting with someone else’s issues of a deep vulnerability to me is meaningful and makes me want to pursue a connection of tangible meaning and relevance further. I want to find people who I can feel akin to. Not only to find people in terms of fulfilling the missed positive experience of partnership and an intimately and physically connected life experience I’ve so far not been privy to. But also, having the opportunity to find people whose life experience I can relate to is very beneficial, as I generally feel very alone with the life experience I’ve so far had.
I felt pretty calm in my meeting with Cee Cee, despite my condition of severe anxiety, daily panic attacks, and chemical imbalance due to a combination of mass trauma effects on my brain and current pharmaceutical drug addiction, which at the time of coming to see Colin and Cee Cee today, I have also, as of the day before, started a multi-month medical detox (drug tapering) process to distance myself from my drug use which has both been my necessary and directly life saving coping mechanism.
During the massage session:
Cxx Cxx prepared herself so that Colin would give her the massage, and I would be the witness throughout, to observe, learn and gauge my feelings in an unusual setting and situation of the physicality of an intimate nature, though controlled and safe.
Despite being put into a relatively new and unique circumstance, I felt calm and fairly centred.
I was aroused by the naked body in front of me and wanted and felt eager to touch it instinctively.
I found myself judging myself and being self-conscious as to how welcome my inclusion of touch was and how pleasant or comfortable it might be for her to receive it when it came time for me to participate and enjoy joining in with the ‘giving’ experience of providing some massage based touch, which I did and was guided to do.
Although I didn’t feel aroused in the way of gaining an erection, and also to my anxiety at not doing so, I certainly felt strongly to want to explore touch further. I wanted to do and felt towards exploring giving oral pleasure. Given the opportunity, I would have keenly and definitely if it were present.
In the touching/massaging that I gave, I second-guessed myself and judged whether to be more firm and assertive in my manner of touch or operate on the softer and more conservative side. I found myself playing on the gentler ‘safer’ side of things, so wanting to be caressing both in terms of a pleasurable approach from me and in terms of giving a safe and welcome experience to someone being touched intimately who hasn’t been touched by me before.
I saw what Colin did in using different body parts in conjunction, forearms; elbows, even face, etc., so not just hand use, in applying pressure and sensation around and across her body to create the massaging and sensual experience—also, moving her body position to enable different massaging types of touch, changing her arm and leg positions. The massage started with her lying face down, and I wanted to know if this would remain for the full duration or if she would turn over. When it came to her turning face upright, using an eye mask was of particular note to me, as something I wouldn’t have thought of doing. However, the benefit is clear, and in terms of enabling minimal visual distraction, given what I believe to be is that approximately 80% of our brain’s sensory focus is devoted to eyesight. Therefore that sense is removed, enabling her to better hone into and be privy to and in receipt of the purpose of the sensory and sensual touch given. This also comforted me, as someone lucky enough to begin intimately touching her despite having only shared an introduction and some to-the-point discussion of our most vulnerable issues. So using an eye mask, in this case, allowed me to focus better on being both an observer to the massage given and a partial participant in joining in with giving touch.
I was aware and disconcerted by two things. My lack of sexually erectile activation, despite my definite mental arousal by the experience and my definite desire to continue engaging with and experience and explore giving touch further. Being a man and of relatively young age, and being presented with a physically fit and attractive female body, I feel that both societally and personally, I should be reacting with an immediate adequate male response (let’s put it that way). And the second point was sensing my evident difficulty by way of state of mental dissociation, the trouble of disconnection between sensory inputs visually and of tactile nature towards my brain in this case, this dissociation of my senses and my environment being a symptom I had already recalled making clear to Colin in our first in-person discussion as being a complicated symptomatic issue I suffer with, that I do understand and is entirely representative of and resultant of my current and ongoing very mentally traumatised state.
The backstory to this and reasoning why I adequately gave to Colin to be informative and authentic as to my state of being, and that I understand will only be remedied slowly and gradually by the inclusion and experience of real fun (adventurously and youthfully), and pleasure (sexually and excitingly), and intimacy in my life, all of which has been absent in my now quarter of a century of existence thus far, and frankly may I say, has not been lost by lack of effort or shear unimpassioned approach to life, but far more by very real and consuming suffering and events seemingly beyond my control that have made my twenty-five years of current life one of purely bearing perturbation and problem-solving, rather than real indulging and pleasure exploring as should the healthy development of all young persons include, alongside some relevant struggle of course.
Friday 24th March
Learning to give a sensual massage
So I met Pxxxxxxx today. She seemed like quite a sexually open person being someone at ease talking about enjoying partaking in sexual experiences with both men and women. I gave her a synopsis of my current circumstances and history.
I was surprised that it was her first time being a volunteer today, so it was a first for both of us.
On my way to turning up today, I did feel a lot in the form of nerves, feelings of preemptive failure that I wouldn’t be able to perform in providing pleasure well, as the person looking towards following along with Colin’s direction today to be equally and wholly a part of giving the massage experience to Pxxxx. In contrast, I was more of an observer on my last visit, where I met Cxx Cxx. Despite my persistent and constricting but fluctuating feelings of high anxiety that I always carry, I was calmer being an observer with Cxx Cxx before than I was feeling on my way to going along today, where all kinds of self-doubt entirely consumed me. That I wouldn’t do a good job, it wouldn’t provide a good experience. Failure. A feeling of defeatism before the act.
I turned up today before Pxxxx arrival, so I had some minutes to settle and talk to Colin, who referred to a lot of my reaction to today’s arranged session as a state of ‘overthinking’.
The most troubling issue pertinent to my mind, which I disclosed to Colin via email the day before today’s session, was anxiety about being naked while giving the massage. Colin sent me some detailed and in-depth material just yesterday describing in step by step process the way the massage I was to perform and that Colin would direct and aid me in doing, so I read through the night before. On paper, it seemed like quite a complex process. However, I also felt a little the sense that in practice, things may have the potential to flow more straightforwardly than trying to adhere to the very detailed information provided.
My reasoning behind my anxiety at me also being naked during the massage, which I described very clearly to Colin without hiding my worries, was in effect around erectile function and activation, or non-activation, I fear that I wouldn’t be aroused in the way physiologically necessary to enable that to happen in a man’s body, so my fear being embarrassed if I were not to attain and maintain a state of erection while giving a naked massage session to a woman.
I even spoke to Colin about taking Viagra beforehand. Not that penetrative sex was going to be a part of it or on the table, though hopefully, what would be achieved is a sexually aroused and stimulated woman by other means of perhaps my touching ability.
Nudity on my part was a choice I was given and made, ahead of our arranged schedule today, whether to be naked whilst giving the massage or not. Still, I opted for the most immersive and exploratory experience, as it were, to inevitably confront and put myself in the way of my worries.
So Pxxx arrived, we met, and I gave her my situational synopsis.
In our three-person confab, two concrete, practical things of note stood out to me. Colin said how I talked about my feelings towards and prior experience of Viagra, and that I had been to my GP discussing my sexual issues, and the GP had said that if Viagra makes me feel ill, then there’s really no medication suitable that can be given to me as all erectile medication acts in the same way and is essentially the same thing, so would result for me in the same adverse health effects. But Colin informed me about Cialis, which I did already know existed. I had purchased it before but had never tried taking it, being disheartened to try anything new on the medicinal front since my supposed doctor told me nothing could be done for me. That is, no physical cause he could determine my sexual issues coming from a physical nature, by way of basic physical examination and blood work done, and by my GP also then saying that if Viagra wasn’t helping, then nothing would. But Colin informed and explained to me briefly the backstory of how Viagra was founded to be as an erectile medication, having been developed initially as a heart medication and then by accident being observed to have sexually enhancing effects, leading to today’s knowledgeable use of such medicines. But whereas Cialis was explicitly developed as a sexual medication and functioned very differently to that from Viagra, so not what my GP had told me at all.
Colin also told me that the person to go see in the medical field would be an andrologist. A doctor of male sexuality, as I understand it. Which was a title I’d never heard of before. So those were two practical avenues of exploration I didn’t know existed that I had then been informed as a potential possibility to explore in my quest for sexual functionality and fulfilment.
I did take a Viagra just before going in to begin the massage session with Pauline, giving in to my anxieties as it were, using what I saw as a safety mechanism for myself, in taking something that I know can sometimes help me achieve an erection, although still unreliable. I have had to take prior in all of the minimal number of times I’ve had sexual intercourse. But this drug also makes me feel incredibly physically ill for up to 24 hours after taking it. But I gave in to my anxieties and took it before going into the massage room where Pxxxx was waiting, and could already feel the adverse effects of the Viagra by way of illness, which it makes me feel, and which is then a distraction from the action in hand (quite literally), by the difficulty of ill symptomatic health feelings coursing through me while being in essentially a new environment/situation by following the guidance of another person in sharing giving a massage experience comprehensive not only in its stages and techniques but also in its resultant state upon the recipient, beginning in gentle relaxation and ending in what I believe was multi-orgasmic fashion.
During the massage
I began with head and scalp massaging, gently caressing her hair and beginning to get a feel for what it felt like to feel her under my touch.
My immediate response was to be very gentle, a little playful, caressing, varying movements over her back with my fingers, a slight degree of improvisation. She was lying face down for this whole first portion of the massage.
Colin asked her early how she felt, her comfortability wise and what level of relaxation she was at, the response being a solid and specific 9.45 out of 10, so going well by any non-perfectionist standards.
Colin would demonstrate a particular motion to be repeated, which I would then do upon Pxxxx. I feel she was a valuable and helpful candidate to be my first experience of me giving specific sensual touch and being responsible as the giver of an arranged massage giver-and-receiver experience, as she settled quickly into the space and sensation, and so indeed not anxious to be genia pig to my newly in-present taught skills and presenting herself so calmly and transparently to me.
Colin would check in with her for feedback on my touch regarding pace, sensation, pressure, and strength. Throughout the entire duration of the massage, the general point of improvement in feedback from Pxxxx was to be able to apply more pressure. Dig in harder, and press down firmer. Being able to be strong with my hands was something Colin had expressed before is usually able to be done when massaging women. ‘Women are tougher than men’. Perhaps not the exact wording Colin used but certainly close enough and expressed repeatedly to get the point across to me. And I believe my approach to being on the more sensitive side is sensible for a multitude of reasons:
- Being new to the experience.
- Not wanting to overstep bounds.
- Not wanting to cause pain or discomfort, of course, just easier to air on the side of caution.
And it is typical of people newly learning massage not to push and press into people’s bodies to the levels of depth and strength that could be done or might be wanted or most beneficial, depending on the type of massage. Regarding different massage forms, Pxxxxx said she was used to sports massage, so having someone dig in is a familiar experience for her. But what both Colin informed me and what Pxxxx fed back to me was the same, and I can exert more robust physicality and pressure, so don’t be scared to do that.
So I both replicated and repeated the motions taught to me: effleurages of a few different forms; neck, lower back and sacrum pressure points; use of flat palm pushing and nail caressing; bringing in playful elements of massaging touch moving gradually further up the inner thighs and being more active and self-expressive with my touch and massaging of her glute muscles, working into her bum and progressing the massage from a beginning focus on relaxation into then more on arousal which would eventually lead to eroticism.
Lots of oil was used from the beginning, basically onwards. Colin asked her to comment on her arousal levels at different points throughout. So in the first stage, we started at a level 9.45/10 relaxation, which I would say is pretty good going, but I think I recall the 1/10 arousal she stated in that first portion. And I think it’s fair to say she didn’t stay at an arousal level of 1 out of 10 for the extended duration. I didn’t specifically ask her about her experience and opinion on how many or how strong the orgasms achieved and experienced by her were that she had. Still, I think it would be fair for me to say she had multiple orgasms and that they were orgasmic. And it was pleasurable to be the pleasure giver.
While lying face down, every bit of her body was worked on, from neck muscles to fingertips, shoulders to hips, triceps to calves. A couple of ritual-like techniques were used to help create structure and sustain communication in aid of creating a safe experience for the receiver, where most communication is of felt sense anyway (it is well documented that 70% of communication is non-verbal), and also wouldn’t be relaxing nor arousing to be giving casual chit chat throughout I think is a fair assumption, so checking in with Pxxxx was done by way of hand holding, and intentionally brushing my thigh up against her out placed hands to see the subsequent physical reaction, whether no finger/hand movement at all, drawing her hands away from my extra body contact, or reaching out to touch me in response.
All cases indicated her felt state and response and helped me monitor how her experience is being handled. Essentially the reactions given throughout the various instances were hand squeezing, so holding onto me, which is pleasant for me and a clear positive sign of her ongoing experience, and also her reacting to reach out and touch my thigh and body when I would use to glaze over her fingers, so a practical method of gauging her reaction and happiness levels.
As the massage progressed, I gradually stripped off—shirts first, shorts later. I’d previously agreed to be okay with myself being nude for the experience, as already cited and agreed to be open to receipt of any reciprocal touch by the receiver, which did also occur, so my genitals were also played with as part of the experience, gently masturbated by Pxxxx as I continued with the motions as taught and trying to touch her with some more substantial levels of assertiveness and confidence in my manner as we together progressed through the session. So it began with comfort, relaxation and safety building, and leading then to more teasing; inclusion of sensuality; playing with the senses, which also included the use of a feather stroking up and down her from head to toe, plus another metal stroking implement, and some freedom of play, or better put, trying to sense what’s wanted of the receiver, which is what my constant mental attitude was throughout. And when levels of arousal by her were attained, we progressed into the erotic genital touch upon her, beginning primarily with clitoral stimulation.
Progressing to clitoral stimulation and outer vaginal touch, moved to other forms of genital erotic stimulation. I was using different patterns and paces of motion on the clitoris for stimulation, rubbing along the vaginal lips, applying pressure with the hands down on the top and front of the pelvic region and, in turn, pressing it into the massage bed, and doing the opposite of wrapping my hand and arm around from underneath to hold around the legs and bum and apply touch and pressure from underneath her lying-back-down position as well. Using fingertip and palm pressure to perform all this and using the thumb joint to rub up and down the vaginal entry. And using both my hand curled into a fist to apply outward pressure pushing up against the vagina to provide another method of outer stimulation and sensation, as well as pressing up against the vagina with my forearms. I experimented with differences in pace, rhythm and strength of these different specific motions and, as the massage progressed, attempted to use them more and more with a sense of flow, following what I could sense to be her levels of arousal as best I could to act in either a building and stronger acting way to follow her increasing arousal levels towards experiences of feeling into orgasm, or towards lowering the intensity of my applied massaging techniques when I thought it appropriate to go into a more relaxed place.
I was guided the whole way, both through the base motions and techniques I was told to use, adjustments, improvements and adaptations to what I was doing, as well as Pxxxx occasional feedback providing verbal clarity on her experience and what she’d like me to do, the mood she felt in, how satisfying an experience I was managing to be inclusive in my part of providing, and where sensorily she’d like to go next in her sensual and erotic experience, which as we progressed, essentially followed into becoming more and more erotic, to enable Pauline to have the rise and falls of multiple orgasms. I wasn’t counting, but she did experience multiple orgasms on the massage bed, as indicated by her physical movements and responses to what was done to her and her verbal responses and affirmations, which became ever more expressive as the massage progressed.
She verbalised her pleasure with both sounds and words in English and her native language. The crescents of orgasm were clear, and at times when she sought for more in the way of that sensation, she felt comfortable and free enough to ask for it. I responded to her wants and cues by using the applied techniques and my instincts to work with playing with her body towards a full focus on providing her as much in the way of pleasure sensation as possible. Internal vaginal touch was explored through finger penetration, again to differing degrees of strength and forcefulness, pace and intention, following her bodily and verbal cues to provide what I could gauge most wanted. Different angles of penetration were used to provide different orgasmic sensations out of the multiple orgasms that arose. Something that became apparent to me in this experience and that I learnt was how, internally, the vagina is a muscle or muscle grouping also, that takes needing and manipulating to relax like other more obvious muscles of the body, but which can also take some surprising amount of forceful pressure and exertion upon, massaging (fingering) firmly inside for the receiver to reach the desired effect.
And then I moved into combining this with providing oral, using another asset of my body, again starting primarily with clitoral oral stimulation, and then progressing into providing oral across the whole of the vagina and in combination with other hand and finger erotic penetration and touch, as well as exploring playfully as I felt to be appropriate and acceptable, kissing across her skin, legs and chest, while keeping methods of touch just learned, to be in constant motion, doing as I felt right and pleasantly received. Overall I think their physical and verbal responses from her to my actions showed that it was an experience received positively and pleasurably.
In the end, Colin, who’d provided me guidance all the way through, advising of any adjustments helpful towards creating a better experience and being responsible for checking in with Pxxxx and how she was doing, decided to leave for an approximate ten minutes giving me and Pauline the space to ourselves, and I continued with a combination of gentle genital stimulation and bodily caressing, both using my head, face and mouth, as well as continued hand motion. I appreciated the space of having some ‘alone time’ with my recipient, as it were, and the expressed confirmation that I was doing well enough in my actions to be able to spend a few minutes with Pxxxx alone, continuing on an erotically stimulating journey, without need for supervising as it were. Although, this also did subtract somewhat of a safety mechanism for me, losing a monitoring adjuster and overseer and someone responsible for checking in with Pxxxx on various forms of sensation, from the relaxed to the orgasmic, as well as base safety and well-being. So I did lose some feeling of confidence in thinking or knowing that what I was doing was the ‘right thing to do’ as I continued and experimented on my own, combining all the previously learned information of the last hour or so and touching how I felt best to in honour of following her bodily felt state as well as I as an individual could discern. Finally, Colin came back in at the end, where we drew the experience to a close. I suitably left to shower, where much oil covered my hands, arms, body and even face during such an intimately physically involved experience.
After showering, we regathered to spend a few minutes feedbacking and finalising the day.
One thing of interest she commented on was how she liked my manner of breathing throughout, breathing deeply, even though this was done subconsciously to me. Also, this was of interesting note as one of the conversations I had with the sexological bodyworker I’d first talked to much prior, who initially recommended me to seek out and speak to Colin in the first place, had said to me that the most important thing to improving masturbation is through breathing technique, this prior professional I had talked to conducting masturbation coaching as one of her professional practices.
Colin was very complimentary of my performance today, essentially saying that I had an excellent natural affinity to doing the massaging practices as performed, and gave a prompting kind gestural recommendation towards saying that I could even think about doing some form of a basic massage training, if I so wished, as I displayed some aptitude.
I felt quite dazed after the quite intensive and very involved massage session I’d just been guided in performing, so I wasn’t best able at the time after the massage to think very clearly and come up with any final comments or questions to both Colin and Pxxxx in retrospect of the day, that I might have liked to say. Also, a part of that was the Viagra I had taken before the massage to make me feel more confident about stripping off, despite knowing it would make me feel physically ill. So I did have to contend with those symptomatic states through the massage, which created stressful feelings in my heart, chest and vascular system, and also had the effect of giving me some headache discomfort, facial flushing, etc., and I’ve noticed it adds to my already constant state of being in dissociation due to my already disclosed strongly rooted and very much frozen physiological trauma state. So the Viagra I took caused some dissociative effects on me too. So after the massage, I wasn’t as clear-headed as I’d have liked to be well versed in querying Pxxxxx about her experience of me.
The feedback she gave me was positive, though, and she added the constructive advice that I would also benefit from a few more informed experiential massage-giving tryouts, as it were, to hone what I’ve begun with and improve upon what I’ve managed to do so far. But overall, I think she was a happy woman.
Thursday, 13th April 2023
With Mxxxxx today. A second sensual massage practice under supervision
I felt much more calm and relaxed going into today’s meeting with my third volunteer receiver and the most level of actioning, autonomy, and responsibility over providing today’s massage session for the willing recipient. Compiling and assimilating all the lengthy scheduling of steps that I followed and performed under direct guidance in the last massage-giving session felt like a lot to be able to remember for today, despite having been given some online resources by Colin delving into explaining different parts of the massage experience, which I used in the prior couple of days leading up to today, to try to prepare myself better.
But ultimately, although particular techniques I remembered from previously, as well as the general flow and emphasis upon beginning at the aim of trying to achieve levels of comfort and relaxation for the receiver and then gradually working towards trying to achieve as much erotic satisfactory stimulation for the receiver as possible essentially. But in terms of remembering the precise order of steps to the massage layout and the way the steps are scheduled to form a purposeful process, I could not accurately recall the flow, so I went into today feeling a lot of unknown in terms of simply not knowing the massage process very definitively, and the subsequent worry of how I’ll be able to then perform given what I assumed today to have much more of the responsibility of being the giver of the massage being put on me.
So I already had a base sense that I would have to work from a premise of a lot of improvisation, and I had to accept that. And so, on the way to travelling to today’s meeting, I felt it pertinent that I would disclose to the yet-to-be-met massage recipient my level of newbie-ness to the process and to make clear to her that I would therefore be ‘winging it’ to a degree, using and reciting specific techniques I could recall from prior, but filling in big gaps in my brain’s full recollection to be able to perform the full sequence on my own. But despite all of these concerns, I felt far more relaxed and at ease on my travels towards today’s meeting than I had done the last, where previously I’d experienced all kinds of levels of self-doubt and that I would fail in being a suitable provider of pleasure before I’d even attempted doing so. So despite expecting to have much more responsibility put on me today to be the conductor of the session, I also, and for some reason, felt a level of calm and, in a way, confidence in what I expected to have to be primarily an improvisational output.
I met Mxxxx, who seemed genuine and easeful to talk to, while I gave her a lot of my backstory and current situational difficulties around sex and intimacy while describing my history of severe circumstantial problems and deep trauma basis, to paint a comprehensive picture to her of the person she’s just met, my history leading to my current state, and so my reasoning for seeking help down the path of using methods to explore my sexuality and working towards the inclusion of intimacy in my life, as my unmet core need alongside inexperienced sexual satisfaction. So I was honest and explanatory, wanting to be purposefully comprehensive, one to build rapport and understanding.
Colin said that we would do the massage as a ‘four hands massage’, so taking away the full responsibility of me having to conduct the entire process myself without any aid and also ensuring Mxxxx receipt of a satisfactory experience, as not just having to rely on me working from close to ground zero comparatively in my experience and knowhow.
I also didn’t take Viagra beforehand this time, which I had done previously, so as not to allow the substantial adverse effects on my health and well-being that it causes to be a distraction and get in the way of my duty and fun in playing and performing the role of giver, within the sensual and erotic environment. So despite not having any added benefit that Viagra might have given towards enabling me to have an erection when I became nude during the massage, as one would predict the normal and appropriate male response to be, ‘normal’ male sexual functionality being something I struggle with attaining and is my main goal to achieve, I opted not to take viagra for the detriment to my own experience, as I’d prefer to enjoy being the giver of touch and the provider. Viagra would indefinitely make it difficult for me, given how ill it makes me feel every time I’ve taken it, plus the added mental dissociation it puts me in, blocking me from experience.
One thing Mxxxx commented on in our chat beforehand was my description of my somewhat troublesome background and how that level of life experience could be a helpful factor in attracting a potential partner. A negative life experience, but more importantly, a negative outlook on life, is a turn-off to girls I know well. But the way she put it, girls sometimes go for older men because they have that added level of life experience that comes in handy when sharing and conducting a relationship with someone, to be put into good use, guidance and insight for someone. I could have the potential to provide and therefore attract, given my experiential past, being myself not old (maybe biologically but technically at least not chronologically), given the amount of complex life experience I’ve accumulated and some things I’ve managed to overcome and a wide array of challenging experiences I’ve been privy to in the process. That’s not why I’d ever felt some girls are attracted to older guys, so I was surprised by what she said.
During the massage:
I felt much more at ease and confident in my manner of touch and applying all the various techniques and phases throughout the massage this time around. Not as tentative or unsure of myself as I had done previously. So I felt in more of a state of flow today and moved fluidly and without pertinent apprehension. I enjoyed being in more of a flow state and coordinating my different limbs and body parts to attend to other roles in applying touch, whether it be holding, using weight and pressure, caressing, gentle skin sensation stirring, sensitive exploration and acknowledging the response in terms of what motions cause an apparent reaction or pleasurable response, and what others seem to have little connective feedback. I felt a certain rhythm in how I moved and applied myself around her body.
From the start, Mxxxx had one initial request/restriction: to have no foot massage, so I remembered to leave there untouched as I moved up and down and around her body.
Something I did have to respond to and adjust in my approach and especially when the session moved into the more erotic stimulation-centric basis, was to ease off on my level of physical strength, pressure and exertion, which I wasn’t expecting given how the previous willing participant the advice had been essential that I could if anything be stronger in my touch, stimulation and level of physicality. So having carried that advice from previously into today, I then was responded to adjust, in particular, my genital stimulation to be more on the gentler side, Megan both having a more than average degree of difficulty achieving orgasm at the input of another person besides herself and made verbally communicated by her that this is the case, being very difficult for a man to make her achieve orgasm, although she on her can without issue. But that not necessarily entail more applied forcefulness or physicality to reach the desired effect either, and actually, she was pretty sensitive to touch and stimulation, especially in the erotic sense and in the genital region, which gave me some difference in how to adapt myself to suit her, before what I’d previously experienced with women in terms of being able to have extreme physicality with them and that being what was wanted by them and pushed them towards enjoying and indulging in orgasm, rather than that being too much or too strong upon their bodies. So the unexpected difference today I had to adapt to and showed me how when it comes to trying to arouse someone into both states of relaxation and intimate holding space, as well as into the more indulgent side of working towards peak pleasure, that a one size fits all approach is not the way. Everyone’s body and response is different, and so it needs to be felt and observed and acknowledged and approached differently depending on the individual.
There was also more variety of bodily movement and response from Megan compared to my previous joint massage-giving experience. She adjusted her body more, and when it came into the latter part of the massage, where she was turned over from being face down to being faced up, she responded to the touch given by sitting more upright, adopting more of a seated posture than a lying down position for the majority of the ending portion of the massage. So I felt to act as what I felt to be appropriate, continuing in my erotic stimulation on her, while using an arm to stroke and support her back, providing touch from both in front and behind, enjoying my own pace and coordination of my limbs and movement, in the aims of providing physical support, literally to her changing body position, while using my bodily abilities to keep pressure, sensation and touch continuous and caressing to both the front and back of her body, without her any longer lying down on the massage table and so now not having that sensation and supporting and pressure upon one side of her body. And so, I adapted to suit her bodily response, feeling natural into doing what felt right while following some verbal cues from her as she felt comfortable to give, but mostly remaining non-verbal in translating between response and stimuli, working from body language predominantly.
It was a four hands massage, but towards the end, Colin opted to take a step back and allow me to continue on in what I was doing essentially solo, which I felt comfortable doing and be able and responsible for. Still, he remained in the room until the very end, where the massage concluded the same way it started, lying the participant down and covering them with a towel. Colin also left the room at the end to give me and Megan a little more private one-on-one feedback and debriefing time and to share a little space with us. We discussed her sexuality, and she gave me her approval comments about how I did for her today. I reciprocated my pleasure at being the giver of the experience. We both admitted that we would have liked or been open to going even further sexually, given the time and space and situational appropriateness. We concluded with a nice intimate long-held hug to finalise. Upon which, I left her to shower in private, and I went to do the same myself.
Having been previously recommended to Colin by a fellow professional in the field of sexology, I intended to explore avenues and opportunities I could find to attain my goals and remedy my issues. My issues are total and detrimental sexual dysfunction, in all the ways a male can have, so erectile dysfunction, partial and pertinent anorgasmia, and near non-existent libido. And all at the relatively young age of twenty-five, which is at least from what I can perceive from peers and mainstream societal conditioning and media, to be an abnormally low age for a man to experience sexual difficulties and especially to my degree, being to the point that I’ve never managed to have intercourse without the use of viagra, which also makes me feel incredibly ill and is also unreliable anyway, and have never managed to attain orgasm in a sexual experience ever, my prior sexual experiences being minimal and very difficult and demoralising. And I never had a proper long-term partnership/girlfriend where I might have had the opportunity to explore my issues differently with a more intimate and spacious relational context within which to find my sexual functionality. So with my evident issues and lack of both prior sexual success and limited sexual and relational experience, I took up the necessary act of exploring methods towards meeting my aims of overcoming dysfunction and subsequently meeting my necessary sexual human needs.
Colin being recommended to me, I gauged his detailed website and made necessary initial enquiries and met with him for a first talk to discuss my issues. Colin’s work is essentially the giving of sensual and erotic massages, whether for just pleasurable benefit or exploratory or sexual therapeutic benefit; then the training he provides to teach others the same techniques; and then the discussion platforms he enables and to give psychosexual therapeutic aid.
Having received sensual and erotic massages myself before but never having achieved orgasm in them as is my primary goal to experience concerning a partner/another person, this didn’t feel like the proper use of Colin’s work, and being heterosexually based, probably wouldn’t have made the most sense for me to put myself in the way of anyway. Unlikely to put me any closer towards my goal of good bodily pleasure. What I had noticed from my prior experiences of both receiving erotic massage and having sexual encounters is that I realised I preferred to be the giver of touch as opposed to the receiver. I enjoy the masculine element that accompanies being the holder of space for someone else and the provider and creator of someone else’s sexual pleasure and experience. I’d also found that being the giver of touch was much more arousing for me than simply receiving touch. This is likely because being the giver of touch accompanies having more control over an experience and how it’s being conducted, and also, in my state, being someone who’s highly dissociated from a traumatic past; it is far easier for me to connect to another person, to an experience, and a shared space when I am giving touch and pleasure rather than when someone is trying to give it to me.
Taking the active role and the non-passive approach is a benefit towards my connecting with the person and feeling into the experience; coming from a place of trauma, dissociation, anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure), and the great crux in partnered sex, I am aiming to overcome which is anorgasmia (inability to orgasm). So out of the work that Colin provides, simply me turning up to receive a massage myself was unlikely to be of benefit. Still, the other side to his work, teaching others how to give said massages, provided a much more exciting avenue to explore, to both develop my skills of touch and pleasure giving to accompany any sexual act I might be privy to and also to boost a skill set I could use in a sexual situation with someone if my main male point of self sexual focus were to be blocked by erectile dysfunction (ED). So one of my motivations towards pursuing some foundational massage training with Colin was to build a skill set I could use in sexual situations if I were not to be able to become erect and so still be capable of making a woman orgasm and providing them sexual satisfaction. I already considered myself to have some natural ability when giving touch anyway. I’d certainly managed to make women orgasm before by using my touch. Not my genitalia, but doing proper training allowed me to explore this in more depth, gaining more knowledge and ideas and being put in a situation where I could receive feedback and learn how to improve and adjust. So there are many ideas and techniques I can now know to use given a particular situation and promote my confidence to adequately arouse and stimulate a sexual partner, even if my main male feature is not working as I’d like it to.
This all sums up my intention to conduct some massage training with Colin. The other was to be purposefully putting myself in different sexual situations where I could work on not just the learning and progressing of techniques but the mental and emotional side of my comfortability in a sexual position, confidence, self-awareness and body image, sexual performance anxiety, and deep dissociation blocking me from ‘feeling’ into a partner the same way I am blocked penetratively and orgasmically from successfully partnered sex also. So I wanted to enable a safely held space where I could be free from the worries of sexual performance, focusing and learning upon the application of techniques of touch instead, and so by being in a sensual and sexual context but removing my need or expectation to perform in the traditional male sense, removing a certain degree of anxiety thereby and presumptive performance accomplishment and, instead just focus on the person in front of me, still in a sexual sense, but giving me the space to explore my feelings and responses and with the goal towards positively progressing me from my dissociative inability to feel into my environment and sensed stimuli. Having worked through three volunteering massage recipients and an equal number of overall sessions, my mental state changed along with the growth of physical techniques and methods being built.
When I started off, I was eager to touch but apprehensive as not to overstep boundaries and do something that the recipient wouldn’t positively receive. I also had preemptive feelings that I wasn’t good enough, wouldn’t satisfy the recipient, and essentially would fail at the task and responsibility at hand. But by the end, I felt far more at ease, calmer confidence in predicting a positive outcome and much more grounded and centred in myself whilst performing the massage. I started out having to input a lot of information, learning on the go, and tentative not to touch someone in an intimate fashion I’d only just met in a way they wouldn’t like. Still, by the end of the series of sessions, I felt more self-assured and assertive in the massage space, less inner chaos and more inner calm, that allowed me to gradually enjoy the providing of experience more over the sessions as they developed. Being able to be calmer and cool-headed meant being able to enjoy myself more and feel more into my own rhythm of doing things, how I intuitively feel to touch someone, how I’d like to move and what I feel would be best to do to receive the best and most pleasured response from the recipient, all under the guidance of Colin and series of techniques and methods employed.
Sexual issues for young men are very taboo, in my opinion. More accepted in older generations where natural sexual decline is often expected and typically in occurrence. For young men, from my experience and what I can gather, it can often largely be not talked about or communicated well. It comes with fears and burdens, masculinity and self-doubt. It has taken me several years to build the confidence to personally tell some of those closest to me about my sexual difficulties and restrictions. I would not have had the confidence to approach Colin in the first place multiple years ago when my issues first became apparent to me. It has taken time for me to build the confidence even to be honest and seek the necessary help that I do need. And I will continue to explore and seek further help beyond what I’ve learned with Colin. I am in the middle of a journey. One which I hope will all my feeling I possess will turn out right at the end of the day, as does everyone with the burdens and tribulations of life we all as individuals are given to bear.
Prominent sexual issues as a young man is incredibly emotionally painful. I’ve been through a lot in my relatively short years. I’ve had a serious chronic illness and multiple near-death experiences. The worst and most painful thing I’ve ever had to bare was and is my lack of sexual and intimate needs met, the loneliness and lack of pleasure that accompanies that, and my current age and stage in life, the most blocking issue towards attaining the life experience I need is in my sexual dysfunction, or as Colin repeatedly said to me. My ‘over-functioning’, in my nervous system and physiology, being a highly anxious and traumatised person, disrupts the regulated nervous system translation of signals throughout the body necessary for sexual energy and feeling to flow healthily. And I agree with his take on my issues because I know my nervous system is very much dysregulated.
I know that my body operates in a continual state of stress, so what I deem and society typically sees as ‘dysfunction’, I know for me, is a state of physiological over-functioning. Being in the position I’m in and in the midst of the journey I’m on can make it incredibly hard for me to be truthful to people about my innermost issues, as beyond the lifetime of traumatic events and health crumblings I’ve had occur, the most actually traumatic and deepest root of pain for me is in my sexual and intimate absence, and as a young man is both more prevalent and impactful upon us as individuals and overall society, and harder for us as young men to talk about, as any of us let on and make aware.
So having my struggles has forced me to confront my issues and exercise my creative intelligence to seek assistance down the route of sexological support and development. This one piece of my journey with Colin, as described throughout, has been informative to understanding more about both male and female sexuality, experience and confidence building, and giving me an insight into different creative formulas towards addressing difficult sexual situations and being honest in connecting my experience with others.