“Why Doesn’t She Just Tell Me What She Wants?”
And Why That’s Completely the Wrong Question
By Colin Richards, Intimacy Engineer & Founder of Intimacy Matters
Let’s start with a truth that many men find maddening, confusing—or at the very least—deeply perplexing:
Most women don’t know exactly what they want sexually. And even if they do, they’d really prefer you figured it out for yourself.
Yes, I know. That might sound like a set-up. But let me explain why this is not only true but beautifully logical—if you care to understand how a woman experiences arousal, intimacy, and ultimately, desire.
The Myth of “Just Tell Me What You Want”
In theory, it makes sense. You ask her what she wants. She tells you. You do it. Everyone’s happy.
But in practice? That’s not how female desire works.
Most women didn’t grow up being encouraged to explore their erotic preferences. They’ve often spent years (if not decades) being told what not to want—don’t be too loud, too wild, too needy, too “slutty,” too this or that. So is it really surprising that many women hit their 30s, 40s or even 50s still uncertain about what really turns them on?
Combine this with the simple truth that desire is not a checklist. For women, arousal is a journey of sensations, not a destination with turn-by-turn GPS instructions. A woman may feel what she wants long before she can name it—and if you’re expecting her to hand you a written script, you’ve already missed the point.
The Underrated Power of Feeling Desired
Here’s the real kicker—and where many well-meaning men go wrong.
When a woman has to tell you exactly what she wants, she often stops feeling desired and starts feeling like a coach. And that’s a very different mood.
Sex, at its best, is not a performance. It’s not even a negotiation. It’s a shared moment of instinct, intuition and mutual surrender. When a woman feels that a man is reading her, tuning in to her reactions, gradually opening her up like a blooming flower rather than assembling a flat-pack wardrobe from IKEA instructions… that’s when the real magic happens.
Desire isn’t about getting what you asked for. It’s about feeling that someone wants to give it to you—without being told.
Reading Her: The Lost Art of Erotic Listening
So what does that look like in real life?
Well, it’s about becoming more of a sensual detective. Less James Bond, more Sherlock Holmes—with a splash of Casanova.
It means noticing the subtle changes in breath, body tension, skin tone. The moment she holds her breath. The flutter in her belly. The way her hips angle toward or away from your touch.
Women are always responding. But most men are moving too quickly—or too goal-oriented—to notice.
This is where foreplay stops being a formality and starts being a fascinating, thrilling conversation without words.
The Case for 45-Minute Foreplay (Yes, Really)
Let’s set the record straight: foreplay is not a warm-up. Foreplay is the main event.
When men rush through it like it’s the credits before the film, they miss out on the richness of what women are actually wired to enjoy.
In my experience working with thousands of women—and teaching hundreds of men through my Massage My Womancourses—when you commit to at least 45 minutes of sensual, layered foreplay, everything changes:
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Women feel seen, valued, and safe to surrender.
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Their natural lubrication increases (no more scrambling for lube).
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Orgasms become more likely, more frequent, and more whole-body.
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Penetration becomes welcomed, not tolerated.
Here’s the truth most men need to hear: a woman’s body is like a symphony. You can’t just crash in on the cymbals. You’ve got to start with the strings.
Sensual Massage: Your New Secret Weapon
If you really want to learn the art of female arousal, learn to give a sensual massage.
Why?
Because it slows you down. It gets you out of your head and into your hands. And it allows a woman to relax and trust you—not just physically, but emotionally and erotically.
In my Massage My Woman class (part of the Intimacy Matters training program), I teach men how to:
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Use sensual oil massage to build trust and anticipation
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Apply varied touch—soft, firm, rhythmic, teasing
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Incorporate clitoral, vaginal and full-body stimulation with intuition
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Introduce body-to-body massage with confidence
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Understand the art of erotic “pause” and breath-led teasing
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Read her responses and let her body guide the next step
This isn’t about tricks. It’s not about “how to make her orgasm in 60 seconds.”
It’s about becoming a man who listens with his hands.
But Colin… 45 Minutes?! I’ve Got Things to Do!
Yes. You’ve got things to do. But if giving her 45 minutes of sensual focus means that she spends the next 24 hours glowing, texting you rapturous messages, and rearranging her weekend plans to see you again… is it really such a bad investment?
Besides, it’s not 45 minutes of work. It’s 45 minutes of play. Think of it as the difference between fast food and a Michelin-star meal. Both fill you up. Only one is memorable.
The Offer: Become the Lover She Brags About
If any part of this has made you think, “Damn, I need to learn this,” then good. You’re already halfway there.
As a little nudge, I’m offering 20% off my Massage My Woman course for anyone who books and pays in full before 15th July.
You don’t even have to take the course right away—you’ve got until the end of September to schedule it. This gives you a full summer to transform from Average Joe to Sensual Maestro.
Final Thoughts: Less Porn, More Presence
The problem isn’t that men don’t care. It’s that they’ve been taught the wrong things.
Porn teaches performance. But women want presence.
So, if you want to be the man who doesn’t need to be told what she wants…
If you want to be the man who hears what her breath is saying…
If you want to be the man who gives her the kind of pleasure she tells her friends about in lowered voices over cocktails…
Then do yourself a favour.
Learn the art of sensual massage.
She’ll thank you for it. Repeatedly.
👉 Book Now & Save 20%
To claim your discounted Massage My Woman course, book and pay in full before 15th July.
Course can be scheduled for any date up to 30th September.
Visit www.intimacymatters.co.uk and search for Massage My Woman
Or contact Colin directly: colin@intimacymatters.co.uk
Your hands are about to become a lot more useful.
And she’s about to become a lot more satisfied.
Course Options 20% off all prices stated below if paid in full before 15th July
Course can be taken any time but must be completed by 30th September 2025
You can take each Massage My Woman training individually, or you can book them together as a package. You have the option to combine the Foundation & Intermediate trainings or include the Advanced training for a comprehensive three-part program. Booking a combined package comes at a discounted rate compared to purchasing each training separately.
For those interested in starting a part-time or full-time business offering sensual massage for women, the professional training program is detailed in the paragraph below.
- 2.5 Hour Experiential Session – from £300
- 6-hour Foundation Training – from £700
- 6-hour Intermediate Training – from £850
- 6-hour Advanced Training – from £900
- 12 hour Combined Foundation & Intermediate – From £1250
- 18 hour Combined Foundation, Intermediate & Advanced – from £2000
- 26 hour Professional Training – from £2600
Professional Training Course – from £2600
This 29-hour Combined Professional Training is specifically designed for men who aspire to become professional sensual masseurs. It provides the skills and knowledge needed to offer sensual massages as a part-time or full-time business for women—and, if desired, men.
This 29 hour professional training course includes:
- 3 -hour Induction Session (optional + £300)
- 6-hour Foundation Training
- 6-hour Intermediate Training
- 6-hour Advanced Training
- 8 hours – Professional Business Launch Pad and ongoing business support
To view the therapeutic and erotic techniques taught in each of the Foundation, Intermediate & Advanced Training – Click here
Application
To apply to take any training – Click here
Submitting an application does not mean you are making a booking. The application simply provides details about you and your motivation for joining a particular class. Once I receive your application, I will contact you to discuss your reasons for applying and your expectations for the class.
