Heteroflexibility is a form of sexual orientation or situational sexual behaviour characterised by minimal homosexual activity in an otherwise primarily heterosexual orientation, which may or may not distinguish it from bisexuality. It has been characterised as “mostly straight”. Although sometimes equated with bi-curiosity to describe a broad continuum of sexual orientation between heterosexuality and bisexuality, other authors distinguish heteroflexibility as lacking the “wish to experiment with … sexuality” implied by the bi-curious label. The corresponding situation in which homosexual activity predominates has also been described, termed homoflexibility.
What does heteroflexible mean? According to UrbanDictionary, the term refers to “a person who identifies as primarily heterosexual but who can find the same sex sexually appealing.” The term has steadily gained in use over the years. The online dating, friendship and social networking site OkCupid added “heteroflexible” to its choices for identifying one’s sexuality in 2014 and the couples seeking a third person hook up app Feeld added many more options as well as Heteroflexible they also give the user this selection to chose from ( and no doubt a dictionary recommendation as well ) Pansexual, Polysexual, Queer, Androgynosexual, Androsexual, Asexual, Demisexual, GrayA, Homoflexible, Objectumsexual, Skoliosexial and Bi-Curious.
What Does It Mean to Be Heteroflexible?
Simply put a heteroflexible person is someone who is fundamentally straight but who has an occasional desire to experience sensual maybe sexual intimacy with someone of the same gender.
They may have a lot of gay or lesbian friends, might identify with the gay and lesbian culture, and might even work for gay and lesbian rights — but they regard themselves publicly as straight, at least when they are not feeling attracted to someone of the same sex.
Heterosexual vs. Bisexual
But wait, isn’t that basically what being bisexual means? Yes and no. Bisexuals are attracted to both genders, if not equally — that’s usually not the case — then at least they’re consistently attracted by more than one gender. Someone who is heteroflexible might feel the urge for someone of the same sex only occasionally. A man who is predominantly heterosexual exhibits a greater preference for partners of the opposite sex. He may not even act on his attraction to a same-sex partner. It might be just a feeling he sometimes experiences without taking that feeling to the next level, and if he does take it to the next level, the experience may not actually be sex but just kissing and/or making out.
Basically, being heteroflexible is a version or variation of being bisexual.
Debate Over the Term
Of course, there is some debate over the term heteroflexible. Some people think it is a legitimate way to describe oneself, while others are concerned that people who might otherwise identify as bisexual would instead say that they’re heteroflexible because it is less “loaded.” But isn’t this their, right? There’s no one consensus, so, for now, it is probably best, to go with the term you’re most comfortable with!
The emotion behind male to male erotic intimacy
As a sex engineer and masseur over the past 14 years I have given treatments to approximately 4000 men. Before giving the treatment I always ask their motivation for wanting to experience a male to male sensual massage. Of these 4000 I would estimate that 60% would define themselves as either heteroflexible or bisexual. This includes married men (happily or unhappily married to women) men with girlfriends or female partners, single men who mostly have sex with women and men who due to culture or belief system can not have sex with women so revert to same-sex encounters to satisfy their need for sensual and sexual fulfilment.
60% may seem high figure but this is because taking a sensual massage given by another man enables these men to compartmentalise and explore this private part of themselves discreetly that otherwise may not be expressed. A sensual massage allows a man to be touched but not necessarily touchback, it ensures privacy, discretion, professionalism and of course skill in the giving. It also allows a safe space in which to explore this aspect of their sexuality while not effecting their presented public persona.
For many male clients identifying as heteroflexible or bisexual sits well with them but for a few, it can be confusing even scary so I take time to explain that same-sex attraction is not just about a physical desire for intimacy with another man but often included a desire for emotional connection. Of the 4000 men I can I have noticed that almost all of them, whether defining as gay, bisexual or heteroflexible have one aspect in common and this is that they have experienced an emotional disconnection with the primary male figure(s) in childhood. It seems that if a male child under the age of 11 experiences a disconnection with a father figure then this can have a profound effect on his emotional needs in the future. If as a child they felt rejection, abandonment, criticism even had a fear of the father then this lack of connection and lack of approval often means that later in life they will seek it out from other men. For a more in-depth explanation of male sexuality read my Theory of Five Influences.
A man taking a sensual massage or seeking intimate sensual touch given by another man is not only seeking the sexual fulfilment of arousal and orgasm but is also seeking this emotional fulfilment of male approval. If a man has not experienced male approval in childhood then this natural stage in childhood development does not dissipate. This person may even though teenage years experience an unconscious attraction to a masculine classmate. He may idolise a particular male celebrity or even a friends father or older brother. This feeling will develop and even if he marries, has children and may even try hard to suppress the feeling the desire for the missed male to male connection may never go away. These men often find themselves watching gay or bisexual porn, or suggesting to their female partners to explore a threesome with another man, since even watching another man have sex with their own female partner can often be more about the approval received from of the other male enjoying the sex rather than the pleasure his female partner may actually be getting. He may even join in so as to make a connection with the other man but within the safety of his heterosexual relationship.