Why Do Some Men Want Their Wives or Partners to Have Sex with Other Men?
Understanding Hotwifing, Cuckolding, Ethical Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships
By Colin Richards
Sex & Intimacy Engineer, Intimacy Matters
Click Here To Take The Survey
Over the past decade, I have noticed a significant increase in the number of men and couples enquiring about what is broadly known as partner-sharing dynamics. What was once considered a niche interest has become an increasingly visible part of mainstream relationship discussion.
The rise of online communities, dating apps, podcasts, social media groups and a growing acceptance of sexual diversity has encouraged many people to explore desires that they may once have kept entirely private.
One of the most common questions I hear from women is:
“Why would a man want me to be with another man?”
At first glance it appears contradictory. Surely if a man loves his partner, he would not want to share her?
Yet human sexuality is rarely that simple.
Behind these desires can lie a fascinating mixture of psychology, fantasy, emotional intimacy, curiosity, trust, excitement, insecurity, personal growth and erotic novelty.
Understanding the differences between the various relationship styles is the first step.
The Different Relationship Styles
Although people often use the terms interchangeably, there are important distinctions.
Hotwifing
Hotwifing generally describes a dynamic where a husband or long-term partner gains pleasure from knowing, hearing about, watching or facilitating his female partner’s sexual experiences with another man.
The emphasis is usually on:
- Her pleasure
- Her desirability
- Her freedom
- His excitement from her enjoyment
In many hotwife relationships, the husband’s arousal comes from seeing his partner as sexually empowered and highly desired.
Cuckolding
Cuckolding is often a more psychologically charged version of hotwifing.
Additional elements may include:
- Humiliation
- Submission
- Feelings of inadequacy
- Erotic jealousy
- Power exchange
Not all cuckolding involves humiliation, but many practitioners report that feelings of vulnerability, comparison or surrender form part of the erotic experience.
Swinging
Swinging generally involves couples exchanging partners together.
The focus is often:
- Recreational
- Social
- Shared experiences
- Mutual participation
Rather than one partner engaging separately, swinging tends to involve both partners participating equally.
Open Relationships
An open relationship allows partners to pursue sexual or romantic experiences outside the primary relationship.
The emphasis is often:
- Freedom
- Autonomy
- Honesty
- Personal growth
Unlike hotwifing, the primary focus is not necessarily the arousal created by a partner’s experiences.
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)
Ethical non-monogamy is the umbrella term covering all consensual forms of non-monogamous relationships.
This includes:
- Swinging
- Polyamory
- Open relationships
- Hotwifing
- Relationship anarchy
- Various partner-sharing arrangements
The key word is ethical.
Everyone involved knows what is happening and consents to it.
Relationship Style Overlap
Ethical Non-Monogamy
_____________________________
/ \
/ Open Relationships \
/ \
/ Swinging Hotwifing \
/ \ / \
/ \______/ \
/ Cuckolding \
\_____________________________________/
- Many couples move between categories over time.
- What starts as fantasy may become hotwifing.
- What starts as hotwifing may evolve into swinging.
- Some couples eventually settle into a broader ENM lifestyle.
What Did the Intimacy Matters Survey Explore?
The recent Intimacy Matters survey sought to understand:
- Who is attracted to these dynamics
- Age ranges
- Relationship status
- Occupations
- Childhood influences
- Personality characteristics
- Motivations
- Emotional experiences
- Preferred scenarios
One of the most interesting findings emerging from research in this field is that there is no single “type” of man.
Participants come from:
- Professional backgrounds
- Trades
- Academia
- Sales
- Healthcare
- Military
- Creative industries
Nor is there a particular age group.
Interest can emerge:
- In the twenties
- During midlife
- Following marriage
- After children
- Following menopause
- During retirement
The phenomenon crosses ethnic, cultural and socio-economic boundaries.
Why Does It Appeal to Some Men?
There is no single explanation.
Instead, there are multiple possible psychological drivers.
Approximate Motivation Distribution
- Erotic Novelty 30%
- Partner Empowerment 20%
- Voyeuristic Excitement 15%
- Compersion 15%
- Submission/Humiliation 10%
- Exploration & Curiosity 10%
The Psychology Behind the Fantasy
1. Erotic Novelty
Many long-term couples eventually experience sexual predictability.
Love remains.
Friendship remains.
Commitment remains.
But excitement declines.
Introducing an element of novelty can reignite desire.
Sometimes merely discussing the possibility creates enough excitement without any actual encounter taking place.
2. Compersion
Compersion is often described as:
“Feeling pleasure from another person’s pleasure.”
Some men genuinely enjoy seeing their partner experience happiness, confidence and sexual fulfilment.
Rather than jealousy, they experience excitement.
3. Validation
A partner being desired by another man can feel validating.
The husband may think:
“If other men find her attractive, then I must be fortunate to be with her.”
This can reinforce appreciation and desire.
4. Voyeuristic Excitement
Many men are naturally visually stimulated.
Watching, imagining or hearing about their partner’s experience may create intense arousal.
5. Power Exchange
For some men, the dynamic includes surrendering control.
The erotic charge comes from vulnerability rather than dominance.
The Female Partner’s Questions
Women often experience mixed feelings when first approached.
On one hand:
- Curiosity
- Excitement
- Feeling desired
- New experiences
On the other:
- Confusion
- Anxiety
- Concern about motivation
- Fear of relationship damage
Common questions include:
- Does he still love me?
- Is he trying to get rid of me?
- Am I not enough?
- Is this secretly a test?
- Will he regret it later?
- What if I enjoy it more than he expects?
These concerns are entirely understandable.
The Double-Edged Sword for Women
Many women find themselves pulled in two directions.
One side says:
“This sounds exciting.”
The other says:
“Why does my partner want this?”
The female partner often needs reassurance that the motivation is deeper than simply wanting to watch her have sex.
This is where communication becomes crucial.
When the man can explain:
- What emotions it creates
- What fantasies underpin it
- What meaning it has for him
The conversation usually becomes far safer and more productive.
How to Raise the Subject Without Creating Alarm
The biggest mistake men make is leading with the fantasy.
Instead of saying:
“I’d like to watch you have sex with another man.”
Start with:
“I’ve been thinking about some fantasies and feelings I’d like to share with you because I trust you.”
Then explain:
- What attracts you
- What emotions arise
- What you imagine
- What fears you have
Focus on vulnerability rather than pressure.
The conversation should never be:
“This is what I want you to do.”
Instead:
“This is something I’ve been curious about and I’d like to understand together.”
Exploring the Dynamic Safely
The good news is that there are many stages before involving another person.
Stage 1: Conversation
Explore:
- Fantasies
- Boundaries
- Concerns
- Motivations
No action required.
Stage 2: Psychosexual Coaching
Many couples benefit from discussing the subject with a trained psychosexual professional.
This provides:
- Neutral guidance
- Emotional safety
- Reality testing
- Boundary setting
It helps distinguish fantasy from genuine desire.
Stage 3: Sensual Massage
One of the safest and most effective stepping stones is sensual massage.
Sensual massage allows couples to explore:
- Erotic energy
- Arousal
- Vulnerability
- Communication
- Receiving pleasure
without immediately involving penetrative sex or additional partners.
At Intimacy Matters I have often seen couples discover that what they were actually seeking was not another sexual partner at all.
What they were really seeking was:
- More excitement
- More intimacy
- More touch
- More erotic communication
Sensual massage provides a gentle route into those conversations.
Stage 4: Shared Experiences
This may involve:
- Erotic clubs
- Lifestyle events
- Watching others
- Meeting open-minded couples
without any expectation of participation.
Stage 5: Carefully Negotiated Exploration
Only once trust and communication are firmly established should couples consider involving others.
Clear boundaries should be agreed regarding:
- Contact
- Communication
- Safer sex
- Frequency
- Emotional involvement
Can It Improve a Relationship?
Surprisingly, yes.
For some couples.
Not because another person magically fixes a relationship.
But because the process forces couples to discuss subjects they may never previously have discussed.
Including:
- Desire
- Jealousy
- Fantasy
- Trust
- Boundaries
- Communication
The strongest couples often report that the greatest benefit was not the experience itself.
It was the conversations that happened beforehand.
Many couples become more honest, more intimate and more sexually adventurous simply through exploring the subject together.
Final Thoughts
Hotwifing, cuckolding, swinging and ethical non-monogamy are not about one thing. They are about many things.
For some, they represent erotic excitement.
For others, emotional intimacy.
For others, curiosity and exploration.
And for many, they are less about sex and more about understanding themselves and their relationship.
The most successful couples are not those who rush into action. They are the couples who spend time understanding the psychology, emotions and motivations behind the fantasy.
When approached with honesty, communication and mutual respect, exploring these desires can become an opportunity not only to discover new aspects of sexuality, but also to deepen understanding of each other.
Ultimately, the question is not whether a couple should explore these dynamics.
The more important question is:
What emotional need, fantasy, curiosity or longing sits beneath the desire—and what might we learn about ourselves by understanding it?
— Colin Richards
Sex & Intimacy Engineer
Intimacy Matters
Take Part in the Intimacy Matters Hotwifing & Cuckolding Psychology Survey
As part of my ongoing work exploring human sexuality, intimacy, relationships and the psychology that shapes our erotic desires, I am currently conducting what I hope will become one of the most comprehensive surveys undertaken into the psychology of men who are interested in hotwifing, cuckolding, partner-sharing and related ethically non-monogamous dynamics.
Over the past twenty years, I have spoken with thousands of men, women and couples about sexuality. One thing has become increasingly clear: the motivations behind these desires are often far more complex, emotionally nuanced and psychologically interesting than many people assume.
Some men describe feelings of compersion — pleasure derived from seeing their partner experience pleasure. Others speak of erotic novelty, voyeuristic excitement, emotional intimacy, submission, empowerment, validation, curiosity or the desire to break free from sexual monotony. For some, it remains a fantasy. For others, it becomes part of their relationship journey.
What we still know surprisingly little about is:
- What type of men are attracted to these dynamics?
- Are there common personality traits?
- Are there links to childhood experiences and attachment styles?
- Does profession, education or culture play a role?
- How do dominant and submissive men differ in their motivations?
- What emotional needs are being met?
- What concerns do couples face?
- How do these experiences affect relationship satisfaction, intimacy and trust?
The survey is completely confidential and welcomes responses from:
- Men who actively participate in hotwifing or cuckolding
- Men who fantasise about it but have never explored it
- Couples who are curious
- Couples who have explored it
- Men who have absolutely no interest in it whatsoever
The latter group is particularly important because meaningful research requires comparison. Understanding why some men are attracted to these dynamics is only possible when compared with men who are not.
The survey also recognises that these dynamics are not limited to the traditional husband-wife-bull scenario. Responses are welcomed from people involved in a wide variety of consensual non-monogamous arrangements, including female-partner/female-partner dynamics, bisexual exploration, unicorn arrangements, open relationships and other forms of ethical non-monogamy.
My aim is not to promote any particular lifestyle but to better understand the psychology, emotions and relationship dynamics that underpin these increasingly visible aspects of modern sexuality.
If you would like to contribute to this research, please take part in the survey:
Intimacy Matters Hotwifing & Cuckolding Psychology Survey
The more responses we receive from a diverse range of men, couples, ages, ethnicities, professions and relationship styles, the more valuable the findings will become.
I look forward to sharing the results and insights with the Intimacy Matters community in the future.
Colin Richards
Sex & Intimacy Engineer
Founder of Intimacy Matters
The survey is part of a broader effort to better understand how communication, trust, desire, fantasy and emotional intimacy influence modern relationships and sexual expression. Research consistently suggests that open communication and emotional honesty are among the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction, regardless of whether a couple chooses monogamy or consensual non-monogamy.
