The differences in the psychology of sexual intimacy and arousal in men and women and why men taking the time and expanding their talent changes everything.
This article explores the sexual and psychological dynamics in a heterosexual relationship. However, in same-sex relationships, these dynamics can still apply but on a same-gender basis. Although one partner can also ‘role play’ the opposite gender
It’s all in the timing.
It frustrates me that when it comes to intimate pleasure, society often regards men of generally being interested in just one thing, fucking. The frustration I hear most from my female clients is the lack of time taken and imagination by men in foreplay before sexual intercourse.
No doubt most men do love penetrative sex, whether it be with a female or another male.
From a biological and anthropological perspective, regular intercourse is what men are programmed to seek. For hundreds of thousands of years as hunter-gatherers, the homo sapiens primary function was to survive and reproduce to ensure the survival of the species. The processes to achieve this are deeply embedded in humans even today. However, this ancient reproductive strategy now often comes into conflict with current lifestyle, culture, morality and belief systems and today’s expectation of sexual monogamy conflicts with the million years of evolved biology.
Until DNA testing, a male could not, with absolute certainty, know he had fathered offspring, so nature has embodied the male with an unconscious sense of sexual urgency, causing him to seek out receptive females and to take every available opportunity to impregnate. Consequently, men get turned on easily, have sex fast, then fall asleep, recover and are ready to do it again, sometimes within the hour!
Wow, slow down fella!
Compare this to the natural arousal cycle of the female, which is slower and involves both physiological and psychological process. For her, sex is not a one-hit-wonder but much more a strategic and of course pleasurable endeavour. Nature requires that the female seeks out multiple sexual partners to ensure matching biology and at the same time maximise long term support and protection. So, the more males she has sex with the better chance of the right biological match and a healthy child and since none of the males knows if they are the actual biological father they all have a vested interest in taking care of her and the offspring. In a hunter-gatherer, society this created a remarkably cohesive and interconnected primal community where all the males protected the females and children on the possibility that one of the infants carried their genes.
Foreplay matters – a lot!
However, since we now live in a predominantly sexually and emotionally monogamous society, this primal time frame does not work any more, and the result is many females now find themselves reliant on one male’s agenda, sexual skills and attributes. No wonder 75 % of my female clients express their frustration with the lack of foreplay they receive before sex. Since if their male partner has not invested in expanding his sexual arousal time frame to match that of the female this will often lead to disappointment at best at worst, lack arousal and an elusive orgasm for the female. Poor sexual education, limited sexual experience or merely sexual selfishness are often reasons why many men are criticised for their lack of creativity and confidence when giving foreplay.
A cocktail of connection
There is so much more to sexuality than just reproductive urges. When men and women are touched and aroused, their bodies produce a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters, Oxytocin, testosterone, vasopressin, dopamine and the less known kisspeptin. This cocktail of chemistry is designed to arouse and stimulate both the mind and body. How this is achieved in men is often initially through visual stimulation and touch, particularly erotic touch. It may come as a surprise, but if the truth is told, many men enjoy intimate physical contact as much as penetrative sex itself. And many men can’t perform sexually as confidently as they want to if they do not feel a close connection with their partner (be it female or male).
So why then do so many men not invest time in learning how to give better foreplay. Because ironically, men are afraid of disapproval and will only do what comes easy, penetrative sex. Paradoxically, allow a man to expand and develop his sexual repertoire and eureka he will discover a whole world of sensual pleasure that he was never aware of.
The universal pleasure of intimate touch
That well-known adage “women have a higher threshold of pain than men” is partially correct. The physiological challenges on the female body during childbirth and the consequent hormonal mechanisms make this necessary. Conversely, it may be that men have a lower threshold of feeling pleasure than women. The triggers to become aroused are, in the male, faster than in the female.
I have noticed that having given thousands of sensual massages to men and women, in the arousal stakes, male bodies generally react and arouse faster to touch than female bodies.
When giving a sensual massage to a man, I find that after about 5-10 minutes into the massage, I start to see and often hear evidence of arousal. When his back gets stroked, or I scratch my nails on his buttocks or inner thighs or massage his scalp, oxytocin released resulting in a spontaneous response causing him to give pleasurable sounds and movement, and very quickly an erection develops. Additionally, gently stroking his testicles will also give him a fantastic high as this most sensitive and precious part of the male body appears to be directly wired to the brain and when touched causes an even more powerful rush of hormones giving him an amazing feeling of trust and connection.
As the massage unfolds and these hormones and neurotransmitters flood the body, his response to the touch becomes even more evident and so does his need for connection. His hand reaching out to touch is not a predatory sexual approach but more a need to connect and feel approval. Ask him to describe this feeling and often adjectives such as intimate, safe, naturing, trusting will be expressed.
When a man feels this acceptance and approval, he naturally becomes even more aroused. From a reproductive perspective, if a male is not accepted by a female sexually, then he does not get the chance to reproduce and his genes not passed on. To be touched or to have his touch accepted is, in essence, the first step to securing his genetic line. So guys explain to your wife, girlfriend, partner, masseur, escort that you like to be stroked, tickled, touched, massaged and explain to them why you touch them in return is important to you not mean to be a predatory grab or grope but a tender, meaningful touch to help you feel accepted.
How bad is bad?
Ask a woman….“If you had a choice to receive either bad oral stimulation from your male partner or no oral at all which would you choose?”
Almost all women reply “No oral, if it can’t be done well, then don’t do it at all.”
Ask a man…. and he will reply…”How bad is bad?”
These two different replies highlight the fundamental differences between the male and female sexual dynamic. Women seek to be desired. Do it well, make an effort or don’t do it at all. Whereas for men its approval they seek, whether the size of his car, bank balance, penis, personality, or intimate trusting touch, will turn him on and being given any stimulation implies they are being approved of.
95% of men agree with this statement
“The most important aspect of receiving a sensual massage from another man or women is knowing that they are enjoying giving the massage to me”. In other words, her pleasure turns him on.
From prim to primal – releasing female sexual energies
When I give sensual massage to a female, the response to my touch is much slower and sedate. The female who immediately displays a reaction is the exception. Usually, it is about 30 minutes into the massage before I begin to see the effects of my touch. Even at this point, the responses are gradual. Maybe some movement and sounds, but it is not until the full erotic stimulation takes place that I see what I call “The Flip” when the demure deb explodes into the erotic animal.
Again this is evidence of the effect of oxytocin, but on the female body, it acts differently. It stimulates arousal but at the same time heightens her awareness, “I like what you are doing but let me check you out first” feeling. When this passes and if my touch is accepted and she feels safe and trusting her 21st-century decorum soon deserts her, caution rolls away, and her primal energies explode.
Get inside their head and free their body.
Don’t let it ever be said that women are less sexual than men. In my experience, how men and women enjoy sexual arousal is fundamentally different. To become an expert sexual partner with someone of the opposite gender, try to think yourself into their mind.
Women should never hold back, don’t be nervous about asking him for guidance, what he likes, how he wants it. The more inquisitive and spontaneous a female is, the more excited the man will become. The more she takes her pleasure, the more pleasurable it will be for him. But never give something because you feel you have to, he will notice this reticence, and it will turn him off. Only give what you enjoy giving and show him it gives you pleasure, even to the point of orgasm.
When giving to a woman, a man should undoubtedly respect and maintain any limits and boundaries she may have but never ask for guidance. Avoid constantly checking she is ok as this can come over as a lack of desire, even weakness. She wants you to explore and adventure her body, to take her on a journey of erotic surprise. Make her feel desired and wanted but always able to say stop.
Why learn to give a sensual massage?
I have now taught over 500 men and women to give sensual massage to their partners. Straight, bisexual, gay and lesbian, many have come to me asking to learn the skills to slow down the lovemaking to expand and explore more pleasure for both their partner and themselves. Sensual massage is the perfect vehicle to use as the basis for giving an erotic journey before penetrative sex takes place. Whether it is between partners or used as a method to expand a sexual relationship by bringing in a third party or another couple. Giving one another sensual erotic touch can be immensely satisfying to the point that penetration is not essential. In other words, the fun can be had whilst maintaining some areas that are sacrosanct to the individual or couple until they are ready to go that far.
Erotic flavours and textures
Think of the massage as the table on which the Smorgasbord buffet is placed, and the dishes on the table are the techniques and erotic sensations that can be explored. As if exploring an erotic buffet, one can pick and choose what to include and indulge in according to the sexual appetite and hunger of the moment and the roast meats don’t always have to be eaten ever time!