Often when I am working with single women or couples who come to me to saying that their sex life is unfulfilling it becomes clear that the main reason for their dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment is that the sex has become or has always been routine and unimaginative. Tempo, longevity, and creativity are paramount to having good sex and like driving a car we need to understand the vehicle we are in and have the confidence to drive it in a way that maximises the pleasure of the ride for both the driver and the passenger.
Before contibnuing with the car analogy lets look at what influences us to have sex in a the way we do. How we relate to sex and intimacy, is very much dependent on what attitudes and education we have been exposed to when young and how sex is presented to us by our parents and teachers. Upbringing, culture, and belief systems go a long way to encourage or discourage our sexual awareness and confidence. If we do not receive adequate sex education either formally or through our own means then we can get left behind on the sexual journey. If we then meet a partner who is equally sexually restrained, then the joint adventure of experiencing together the exquisite pleasures of sexual intimacy remains elusive.
To compound the problem if one hears stories of other people’s conquests and sexual adventures. and they don’t compare to our own then this can further undermine the sexual confidence of the unsatisfied. Additionally if we meet a partner who relates to sex in a fundamentally different way to us then the sexual dynamic can go into conflict with different sexual agendas battling it out leaving both unsatified.
For example, women who have difficulty reaching orgasm; men who feel shy and guilty about sex; women who feel ashamed or culturally bound to behave the ‘correct’ way; men who lack knowledge and experience or men who fear disapproval by getting it wrong. These are often the underlying reasons why a sexual relationship can turn sour. Usually, these dynamics are rooted in childhood psychology. I am not good enough; I am not liked; I need to be the best; I have difficulty trusting; I am ashamed; I feel guilty. To help overcome these feelings it is important that the partner you are with invests time and confidence in trying out different methods and energies when making love. The passive person should try to be more assertive, the over confident person learn to be more caring and other person focussed. Ths shy person to explore, the nervous person to become more reckless.
Here are a couple of short stories to highlight one of the reasons why for some women, sex with some men can become mundane and unfulfilling.
Brad – The Fast Lane Driver
Brad, who works in Canary Wharf as a hedge fund manager, simply loves the buzz of making money and the fast paced self-indulgent lifestyle that it brings with it. Only one thing is dampening Brads happiness, and that is his inability to maintain a long-term relationship. Brad loves women; he loves sex, and nothing makes him more satisfied than giving women an orgasm. But little does Brad realise that it is how he has sex that is the main reason the long term relationship, marriage, and children he longs for to complete his self-vision, remains a fantasy. Like the way he drives his new primrose yellow Porsche Cayman sports car, Brad has sex. He hits the road, straight on to the M5 motorway, blasts down the fast lane and after 20 miles of high-speed racing turns to his female passenger and asks “ Wow did you enjoy that?” To finish his journey Brad then pulls off and takes her to enjoy a pint at HIS favourite pub “The Bull in Bush!” with his equally nonempathetic mates while she sits there sipping her glass of warm Cava that Brad graciously bought her and wondering if the journey was about her at all!
Now don’t get me wrong, fast cars, pints, and pubs are great but for Brads female passenger the novelty soon wears off. More than likely this is the way Brad will have sex, he has sex continually steaming away in 5th gear with little regard to his partner’s pleasure and only focussed on his achievements and pleasure. No wonder his partners soon hitch another ride with a more versatile considerate driver.
Simon – The Slow Lane Driver
Simon, on the other hand, is Mr Sensible, he has trained long and hard and is soon to become a partner in the solicitors firm he works for. Simon has many friends and his weekends are often taken up inviting them around for a meal which he takes great care to prepare and execute. Simon is very proud of his Nissan Rogue. It sits in his drive way in Putney for most of the week and then on Saturday he religiously takes it out onto the M25 for a quick spin. It does not take long for Simon to get up to his top speed as he always remains within the speed limit and only goes for 2 junctions. He prides himself on his careful driving and so rarely finds he has to leave the slow lane. After his Saturday routine tour, Simon likes to return home to a regular Sunday roast. Sadly Simon is so sure his way is the best way that he never realises that his partner fantasises for the day when Simon takes them out in a British racing green Jaguar F-type to race down the M3, wind blowing in hair to end up at the most romantic beach on the south coast for Champagne and oysters to make wild passionate love.
Gustav – The Hard Shoulder Guy
Fortunately, there are not many Brads and Simons around. But many men will have shades of one or other of the characters. The ideal is that men embody a combination of the two. The Brads to become more other aware and Simons to become more bold and adventurous.
But we also have Gustav. Gustav came to me saying he wanted too learn how to become a better lover for his girlfriend. After 7 years together she had finally expressed to him her frustration in their sex life. On meeting Gustav I asked him directly what he wanted to achieve with this workshop. His reply relied the problem immediately . ” I want to learn three things that will always work with a woman”. Clearly Gustav has not awareness of the complexity of female sexual psychology and physiology. Every women is different not just in themselves but different every time they make love. What they want one day can be completely different the next. Mood, temperament, time of the month, even down to what they may have eaten can determine what type of sex a woman wants at that particular moment. Gustav is what i term the Hard Shoulder Guy, this s the driver who sits on the hard shoulder reading the road map and who won’t drive on to the motorway until he is certain of what speed, direction he needs to maintain to get to where he wants to go. These guys tend to work in quite intellectual mind based jobs, engineers, programmers, academics, scientists, statisticians. Gustav was an engineer and like all these types views the female body solar to a machine that when the right buttons are pressed will always respond the same way.
In fact women like a bit of each type. Some days fast assertive like Brad is exciting, other days the calm caring touch of Simon is wanted but then a bit of Gustav’s explorative nature can take a women in to new sexual territory that can also be exciting.
Who ever the character identified with, investing time in learning how to expand skills as a lover, to adopt some of Brad, Simons and Gustav’s positive characterises will make your and your partner’s sex life a much more exciting journey. So, gentlemen, whether you are straight, gay or bisexual think what car you drive, how and where you drive it and what might your passenger’s experience be. Then bring in a bit of what you don’t naturally give and role play the other dynamics to make the sex fun fulfilling and frequent.
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By investing your time in taking one of my workshops I can teach men to become a more versatile drivers. These workshops will increase your knowledge, confidence and skills as a lover. By incorporating a better awareness of the psychology of sex and the skills of intimate erotic touch, you can become a lover that everyone wants to hitch a ride with. So don’t just become a better driver why not invest in taking your advanced driver course or even obtain an HGV license and become king of the road.