I just can’t come when I want to
I have had ten years of experience helping women achieve better and more fulfilling sex. As a professionally trained psychosexual therapist and masseur, I use both counselling and massage as a treatment to help women and men with sexual performance challenges and difficulty with reaching orgasm.
I call this Psychosensual Treatment.
By combining talk and touch, I first explore the psychological drivers causing the interference with sexual fulfilment. This is followed by a sensual massage in which I create a physical experience as near to the normal sexual arousal process as possible. This experience often has remarkable results, with clients sometimes overcoming a sexual performance blockage in one session.
I wanted to thank you for my session with you the other night.
It was like nothing I had ever experienced, I had never reached orgasm in such an intense way before…multiple times. And I’ve never felt so safe and respected. It’s been a really tough journey for me since my previous relationship and I must admit I’ve been quite emotional over the past two days, but in a good way. I think this experience was both an emotional and sexual release for me and I’m looking forward to a positive future.
I found talking with you prior to my session was really beneficial. I’ve always been very conservative sexually but our chat gave me a whole new perspective and also showed me that it’s ok to talk frankly about sex. I’m still very anxious about being with XXX but I feel more confident and actually quite sensual, something I have not really felt ever, even with my previous partner. Thank you again for your invaluable help. I truly appreciate it.
The Definition of Anorgasmia
This inability to orgasm when with a partner is called secondary anorgasmia. It is experienced by men and women but often with men, it can progress into the loss of erection, so erectile problems can also be regarded as a form of anorgasmia.
Primary anorgasmia, when a person has never been able to orgasm, even through masturbation, is more common in women.
It can be that there is a physiological reason for the orgasm to be unattainable. Hence, conditions such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, genital mutilation, total hysterectomy, and spinal cord injury must be ruled out before seeking emotional or practical help. Drug abuse, excessive alcohol and antidepressants can also inhibit orgasm.
The psychological effecting the physiological.
In this article, I focus on the most common origin of anorgasmia, which is the psychological, when learned survival behaviours from childhood interfere with the natural sexual arousal cycle.
Below are some examples of the most frequent situations of anorgasmia brought to me by women and men.
Reasons & Treatments for Anorgasmia
My body wants to, but my head won’t let go
The conflict between head and body is symptomatic for most men and women who experience secondary anorgasmia. Despite her being turned on and lubricated and the man achieving a full erection, the thought maybe today it will happen is soon replaced with disappointment and frustration. The sexual encounter initially starts with optimism, with he or she being hopeful that perhaps this time, an orgasm will be reached. As the stimulation heightens and the intensity of the moment builds, gradually, the thought of yet another failure will emerge in the mind until eventually it is accepted it definitely won’t happen. The sexual euphoria is replaced by familiar feelings of frustration, exasperation, exhaustion and the resignation that, yet again, ‘I can’t cum. ”I am different’ I am a failure.
He can’t seem to hit the right spot.
The male partner’s lack of skill or ability to give the right type and length of foreplay is one of the more common reasons women cannot reach orgasm during sex. Many women unconsciously know the problem but feel reluctant, even unqualified, to say something to their partner about their lack of skill or bad technique. Many of these women can experience clitoral orgasm during sex if given by their own or the partner’s hands or even with oral sex but then find it difficult to reach orgasm through vaginal penetration. Whether it is hands, penis or a toy, if the partner is inexperienced and unskilled or simply unimaginative, the orgasm becomes an unattainable goal.
Testimonials were given by past female clients,
The underlying primal dynamic of a woman is to feel desired. This dynamic is particularly relevant during sex, and if the man is either too timid, inexperienced or focused primarily on his pleasure or is just quick to cum himself, then the mental stimulation she requires to take her to orgasm will not occur.
The Treatment Strategy
Once I understand the situation, it becomes apparent that she has only ever experienced one type of male sexual dynamic (usually passive or lack of sexual creativity). My strategy is to create a treatment that, from the outset, is designed to make her feel desired. The treatment will start with an initial exploratory conversation which should identify her domestic situation and her experience so far with sex. Often cultural and religious influences will become apparent. Following this conversation, and once she feels at ease, I start the massage treatment with firm, confident traditional massage strokes of her upper body. Then as she relaxes, the strokes become longer and more explorative to excite and stimulate her body and mind. Her responses guide me, and as her body reacts to this new form of stimulation, the treatment becomes more assertive and intentionally arousing. If this more robust approach is received positively, usually indicated by her expressing verbal and physical responses, then I know that this more assertive, confident approach is welcomed. From then on, I follow my intuition and put body pressure to stimulate her primal sexual urges. I may include firm shoulder pressure to her groin and pelvic floor, putting pressure on her vagina. Suppose she produces a positive response, and I sense that she is transcending into her primal sexual state. In that case, direct stimulation of the clitoris and internal vaginal stimulation with my hands can begin. Again depending on her response, this can remain light and gentle or become more assertive using deep penetration and massage of the vagina wall. This sensation can often bring on an orgasm. This method can often bring on multiple orgasms and, is some cases, ejaculation.
I need them to orgasm before I do
This is a comment I often hear from men who find it difficult to orgasm and ejaculate through penetrative sex.
For a man to reach orgasm, he must first become fully aroused. He needs to be mentally stimulated and free of anxiety. The fit between the penis and vagina needs to be snug, and he needs to feel entitled to enjoy mutual pleasure. Men who can’t orgasm are often primarily other-person-focused rather than self-focused; they are men who, when young, may have spent much time around an emotionally needy or anxious mother or primary female carer. They can be men who tend to feel self-critical or have an underlying lack of self-worth, particularly around women, making them over-vigilant holding themselves responsible for getting everything right. If this type of man feels he is not achieving or he senses disapproval, this can also result in difficulty in reaching orgasm with penetration. He may revert to masturbation to finish himself off. If masturbation in front of his partner does not bring him to orgasm, then he may masturbate when he is on his own, away from distractions.
The Treatment Strategy
Before any physical treatment is given, exploring the emotional influences driving his need to please is valuable. The natural primal dynamic of the male is to seek approval. Excessive focus on achievement at work, sports, his appearance, and even the type of car he drives can indicate a heightened need for support. How he performs sexually is no different, and for some men, the need to get it right can be so strong that it becomes hard for them to relax.
The preliminary fact-finding conversation will examine any childhood behaviours, particularly his behaviour around primary female carers, that may have started his tendency to be hyper-vigilant about the female dynamic. When older, this unconscious dynamic can manifest with female partners, and a fear of disapproval or not being a good enough lover will increase his anxiety. Orgasm is a moment of complete abandonment and trust, so feeling pressure will result in his fight-and-flight responses taking over, and this may well result in either an inability to orgasm or even a loss of erection.
A period of counselling looking at his early childhood will help him become aware of where these unconscious fears originate and see them now; where sex is concerned, they are inappropriate fears. I then teach him to become a more skilled and confident lover and encourage him to reveal his first assertive side. I encourage him to take the initiative to become a more adventurous, sexually creative lover. Once he has adopted this approach, he will soon see his partner respond positively, and this approval will arouse him further, often to the point he will reach orgasm.
If I lose control, something terrible might happen.
I often hear women say that they can’t orgasm because they have control issues and that when having sex, they cannot let go and relax. Rather than seeing it as a need to control, I feel it is more a trust issue in that to let go when with another person, one must feel trusting towards that person and the situation they are both in. Lack of trust is common in women who have experienced trauma or a lack of security when young. The effect of this is to create a behaviour strategy to ensure she remains in control. This does not mean they are necessarily controlling people but more about being in control of the situation. The unconscious thought is ‘If I am in control, then I am safe, and if others around me are happy and non-threatening, then I am safe’. Not trusting the need to be constantly aware and alert will often cause the orgasm to be withheld.
The Treatment Strategy
Anxiety during sex plays a large part in withholding pleasure. What differentiates each situation is the motive for the concern. For people reluctant to trust others, the best way to help them overcome the fear is to equip them with a genuine sense of safety and security. One can create a treatment that comforts this by talking through and identifying the basis of their trust issues. It is essential for the person who may have experienced trauma to reassure them that they are in a safe, caring place. For the women who feel obligated to make sure everyone else is happy, permitting them to not be in charge and to be self-focused and self-caring will help them let go of their need to be responsible.
Once the treatment starts, the sensation of soothing hands on the body immediately helps relax and calm. The hormone released when we are touched plays a large part in this, but by incorporating supportive holding and hugging movements, they will relax even quicker. Once the body begins to relax and the tension dissipates, I bring intimate touch with the intent to arouse. This treatment should always remain close and caring. The actual erotic arousal also needs to be given cautiously since any feeling of discomfort can cause an adverse reaction. Orgasm may not always happen the first time, but usually, after a series of sessions, the orgasm will be achieved.
I am such a busy person. How can I hope to focus on orgasm?
Busy life, always active, run run run, no time for me because I have lots to do!
Often these types are career persons, always on the go. Why? Because it’s a distraction. How can one enjoy sex if one is always busy?
Similar to the ‘Giver’ type being both mentally and physically frantic is a sure way to hinder receiving pleasure. To be goal-driven may appear to be about seeking achievement, but striving for attainment is habitual behaviour. The child who has to work hard at school or the sportsman who must, on all accounts, win spends far more of their time attempting to reach his goal rather than winning the prize. Sex and orgasm are just other platforms for them to play out this behaviour, and the actual orgasm remains the elusive prize never to be won but always strived for.
The Treatment Strategy
Recently, I gave a session to a female client aged 38. She had never experienced an orgasm, not even through masturbation, a classic primary anorgasmic. Her frustration was palpable, and it was clear that she was at the point of resignation, believing that her body was not wired to achieve orgasm. During the initial discussion, she revealed that although she grew up in the UK, one of her parents was from a culture that believed high academic achievement was essential. As the eldest of three, she felt this pressure even more strongly. From as early as she could remember, the need to work harder consistently was a mantra her mother instilled in her almost from birth. But no matter how well she did, it never seemed enough, and there was always another level to reach for.
Unsurprisingly, for this client achieving orgasm had become interwoven into her paycheque that achievement was not possible. Her brain had become so used to always struggling to complete, so to allow the orgasm to come, though, was an anathema.
To circumnavigate this repetitive dynamic, I assured her that orgasm was not the expected outcome of the treatment and that she should enjoy the massage and the sensation of arousal and let go of the need to try harder. She could focus on herself by taking her time and incorporating elements that took her mind and body to an unfamiliar place of relaxation. As she became more aroused, the erotic stimulation took her quickly to higher-level pleasure, and soon, the part of her that had remained suppressed for so long broke through. She then went on to not only experience her first orgasm but also, to her complete surprise, experience a full-body orgasm.
She doesn’t seem to like what I am doing.
As hunter-gatherers, we shared everything, including sexual partners. Not because we were sexually indulgent but because the more sex had, the more chance the species survive. Females would instigate sex by displaying their desire to attract as many males as possible. Harvesting sperm to ensure the best biological match may seem a bit carnal to the modern code of morality. Still, as an assurance of achieving healthy offspring, it is a very sensible strategy. The primal dynamic of the male human is to be approved of. Whether it’s the size of his bank account, biceps, brain or penis, approval is essential to ensure his genetic survival since deep in his psyche – with its origins reaching back to the beginning of time – lack of acceptance equals rejection. Rejection by the female means no sex and no sex means the genetic line ends.
So men need approval to be turned on, whether it is the approval of performance, a sensitive, intimate touch, or a wild scream of ecstasy as he makes love to women; any sign that she gives that indicates he is doing a good job will arouse him even more. Conversely, no approval means it implies no selection and rejection. So a man who believes that his female partner is not enjoying herself will feel anxious and concerned, and orgasm will be a challenge.
The Treatment Strategy
I teach men skills and knowledge to enhance foreplay and expand their partners’ pleasure.
Good girls like me shouldn’t do this.
Men and women who have grown up in either a culturally restricted society or in a strongly moralistic or pious environment where sex, in general, is seen as only as procreative often say that when having sex, they often feel guilt, shame, dishonour, remorse, embarrassment and that to enjoy sex is the quickest route to hell and damnation.
An acclaimed male porn actor once told me that even after 15 years in the business, even when masturbating, he still felt guilty. Unsurprisingly, his Scottish Presbyterian mother had indoctrinated her young son to believe that sex was not to be enjoyed but endured by women and that men who wanted sex were selfish and demanding.
The anxiety of doing wrong in the name of the clan, religion or culture will always affect the ability to reach orgasm. In recent studies into multi-orgasmic women (women who orgasm multiple times within a short period), 80% of these women surveyed had shunned religious backgrounds. They had then become multi-orgasmic due to their now higher natural oxytocin levels in the body before and during sex. Conversely, women who felt a conflict between their beliefs and their natural sexual desire had a far lower level of oxytocin in the system before and during sex.
The Treatment Strategy
Success in helping people who experience a lack of orgasm due to guilt and shame can vary greatly, depending on how much they have already let go of these confining thoughts. When seeing these clients, discretion and security are paramount as often they remain obligated to their situation and fear being found out. The treatment starts gently as this allows them to relax into the position but usually, like a genie emerging from a bottle, the suppressed sexual energy is released, sometimes quite explosively. Orgasm may not be the immediate result, but just being allowed to express their natural sexual needs can be life-changing
For first-hand testimonials from women experiencing Anorgasmia whom I have helped take a look at my Trust Pilot reviews
Sexual Therapy & Sensual Treatments for Women
Regular sensual massage enables women to experience sexual arousal to help maintain their health and well-being without judgment or condition.
Sex and sexuality are a part of women’s life. Aside from relationship and reproduction, sex is about intimacy, pleasure, good physical and mental health, and adventure. Sexual activity such as penile-vaginal intercourse or masturbation can offer many surprising benefits to all facets of your life. Physical, intellectual, emotional, psychological, and social. Still, both have conditions or limitations that can make the experience counterproductive. Taking a sensual massage that includes erotic stimulation to orgasm can provide benefits and pleasure without the need for penile penetration or the restrictions of masturbation. It can often achieve sensation and fulfilment that traditional sexual encounters can not reach.
Read more about how sensual massage can open up your sexual awareness and fulfilment to levels you never thought possible Click here
Two Hands Sensual Massage
The Absolute Premium Massage 105 minutes – £295
The Absolute Superior Massage 75 minutes – £250
The Exploration Massage 75 minutes – £230
The Intimacy Massage 60 minutes – £195
The Psychosensual Treatment
The 3-hour Psychosensual Treatment for performance/orgasm issues – From £350 to £400
Below are the treatments I use to help with Anorgasmia
Read Colin’s latest reviews at Ekomi – Click here
Read this article on Colin’s work with Anorgasmia featured in the Independent